My brother has just finished telling us about the massive gray polyps in his colon, found with a colonoscopy, polyps that, according to Jim “Had their big heads waving around in there on long skinny stalks.”
My sister Candy, my brother Jim and I are sitting in a booth with our 87 year old mother in a Denny’s Restaurant. We’re having breakfast; a Senior Special, one waffle, eggs and bacon and something that sounds like “Eggs Over Hominy.”
We’ve been ‘enjoying’ Jim’s graphic description of what he had to do to clean his bowel the night before the procedure. I’ll save you from all of it except to say that Jim had to buy his laxative supplies at the drug store and he swears that one of them was called “Move-A-Quick,” or something like that,” and he swears it lived up to it’s name.
My mother, my sister and I start clattering our silverware on the table and making little squeeking noises so Jim abruptly changes course.
“So,” he says, “my daughter told me yesterday that all her friends at school think I’m gay.”
Jim’s married and his daughter is seventeen.
“She said, ‘Dad, you have to stop flopping your hand like that.’ Jim shows us a little hand flop.
Jim laughs. “Im not gay, so I think it’s funny that people think I am.”
“Oh, it’s probably because you’re so good looking, ” I say, “and because you’re sensitive and you like to talk about things and you’re charming.”
Jim preens a bit. He has lots of glorious platinum white hair, like the rest of us do in our family. It strikes us at a young age and we spend a lot of time and money trying to cover it up…until we finally just give it up and let it be.
“A lot of people think you’re gay,” Candy says. “Why is that? You have some gay friends that you hang out with, maybe that’s why.”
“I like gay people,” Jim says, “so maybe that’s it.
My mother is trying to follow the conversation. She can’t hear so I’m wondering what she thinks she’s hearing.
I shout at Jim so Mom can hear, “Remember when Daddy was 80 and blind and close to dying and he called you into his room, Jim? You sat on his bed and he put his hand on your arm and he said, “Son. You can tell me the truth. I will still love you. Are you gay? You can tell me, son.”
Jim gives a big laugh. “Yeah, I said, ‘Dad, I’m not gay.’ And Dad said, ‘No really son, you can tell me, I will still love you.’ No matter what I said, Dad kept repeating for me to please tell him the truth. Finally, I leaned toward Dad and I said, “No, Dad..I like big tits!‘ And Dad said, “oh…. I guess you aren’t gay then.”
“You know at the Art Studio Tour at my house last week?” I say.
Nobody in my family minds changing the subject for no real reason.
Yes, my family remembers.
“Well, you know Summer’s dad was there..my ex husband.”
Candy snorts, “We know who Ken is.”
“The bathroom is right next to my art room and every time Ken used the bathroom, he started singing in a booming voice. I had forgotten that he always sings when he pees. I had a packed room full of art buyers at one point and we all heard a really stirring, heartfelt and long rendition of “Across The Blue Horizon.” The finale was the flushing toilet.
“You know what Arthur told me the other day, Jim?” I say.
Jim is still on the hot seat, apparently. Art is our other brother and while visiting him a few days ago he told me something amusing.
“He told me, Jim, that when you were married to Debbie all those years ago, you two had Thanksgiving at your house and you charged all of us, your family, for the meal!”
“Gee Jim, did we tip well?” Candy asks. She asks because we can’t remember that meal and Jim can’t seem to either. Oh well, it was a really long time ago and we forgive him.
“Mom!” Candy shouts, “can you hear anything we’re saying?”
“Candy and I went to Palm Springs several weeks ago!” I holler. “I took Lexi and Candy took her grandkids too, so the cousins could all have three days together. And, their mothers came. We went to a fancy condominium place with lots of palm trees and swimming pools!”
Mom smiles and nods.
These cousins are all younger than Lexi who is seven so you can imagine the kind of time we had.
“Here’s what happened on the next to last day,” I shout.
Candy snorts again and slaps her head.
I turn to Mother and yell and mouth the words.
“On Monday…..we all hiked up to another swimming pool and it was really crowded just like the one the day before. But, we managed to get some grass and we spread out all the towels and kid stuff and the kids all went in the pool with their mothers Emily and Niki, to watch them. And wouldn’t you know, everyone was having a fun time when somebody passed a turd in the pool.”
“A what?” Mom says.
“A turd!” I shout. “Somebody pooped in the pool!!”
The couple at the table beside us looks over at me.
“And then,” Candy hollers, “they made everyone get out of the pool and they wrapped yellow hazard tape all around it. The kids were upset and crying and screaming because they couldn’t swim anymore!”
I continue the story. “So we all trooped up to the grass and sat down to eat peanut butter sandwiches and we got bit by red ants! And then Candy said her stomach hurt and pretty soon she started throwing up!”
“She what?” says our mother.
“Throwing up! Vomiting! Candy started vomiting!”
The couple at the next table actually frown at me.
“So we had to gather everybody and everything up and troop back to our condo which was really too far away!” Candy says.
“And when we got back to my room, Mom,” I say, “which was right next to the suite with Candy and the mothers and kids, somebody knocked at my door and told Lexi and me that we needed to move out right away because the room was booked for someone else!
“I banged on Candy’s door and she was in the bathroom throwing up but I yelled to her through the door that I had to leave posthaste and as soon as she got out of the bathroom she called the management and gave them hell, but of course she held a trash basket in her lap during the call because of the dire situation with her stomach!”
“A what?” Mom says.
“I had booked that room for three days,” Candy says, “and they knew it. They just wanted to use Venus’s room to be able to open the door between rooms and make it a suite for someone else. They wanted Venus and Lexi to move to another condo!”
“Se we left,” I say.
“We were very outraged,” Candy says, “but of course, I was vomiting and then I got the runs so it was actually convenient that Venus had to leave and go home and she took me with her.”
“Yes,” I laugh. “We had to stop at two Starbuck’s before we even got out of town because they have bathrooms and Candy didn’t know if she could make it through all those mountains without suffering some dire consequences. We did however have to stop once on the side of a mountain.”
“Yeah,” Candy says glumly. “I slid down the embankment and peed in a red ant pile. And I told Venus when she went down the side, to watch for it, so what did she do?”
“I peed in the red ant pile.”
“What pile?” Mom says. “You did what in a pile?”
” I peed! In a red…ant…pile!” I hollar.
The couple next to us put down their forks and look away. They are looking at the door.
Frankly, I don’t blame them. This has been a disgusting conversation. But somehow, so..so satisfying. A cheap breakfast and cheap conversation with a fine family who think alike.
Candy burps loudly. She likes to.
The couple gets up and leaves and we do, too.
It’s been a very fine morning.
SESSIONS WITH VENUS-A TESTIMONIAL
Aside from being a party to disgusting conversations, I work over the phone with people and their problems, as a psychic. Here are a few things ‘Patti Anne’ mentioned in a phone session with me:
“When you were talking to my deceased father, the things you were saying he said, sounded just like him! And at the end of the session you mentioned you saw him with a basket over his arm and he was saying, “Your mother and I are off now to pick berries.”
“That’s exactly right. We were always heading out to the woods to pick berries for pies! The berries never made it home as we ate them all in the woods, but we kept trying.”
For my rates and how I work (I work with live people and their issues, too!) please go to: http://www.godisalwayshappy.com
I also do free readings on my weekly radio show & through the chat room.
Every Tuesday, “The Dear Venus Show” 1PM Pac/4PM Est http://www.contacttalkradio.com Free archives, iTunes, Podcasts.