I take a tranquilizer and drag myself up town to the dentist. I am dreading this. I haven’t been to a dentist in eight years! Why? Because they hurt you and tell you terrible things like, “My god, this is the biggest, blackest cavity I have ever seen; we are going to have to drill all the way to your navel. It’s going to hurt….ummmm? And, why haven’t you been here in eight years? If you had come in every six months like you’re supposed to, we wouldn’t have to be drilling this hard, this loud and this deep. Tsk tsk.”

But, what luck! No cavities.
The dentist replaces a deteriorating filling, blows some sand in a pot hole and replaces a broken part of a tooth.
Then, she takes a mold for a tooth guard as I am a ‘grinder.’
Next, I get my teeth cleaned. And eeeh gads, it doesn’t hurt!

The dentist, the helper and the hygienist keep saying, ‘Oh! This is going so well. This is awesome. You have beautiful teeth. Oh, your gums are so healthy. Your teeth are so clean. Oh, this is so easy. Oh, you are doing such a good job! This is marvelous.”

I think I must have an unclear mind and am overestimating my good teeth fortune, so finally, just to clarify any misunderstanding about how wonderful I am and how glorious my teeth are, referring to the tranquilizer, I say, “I’m on drugs.”

They approve and clap their little gloved hands.
“Oh! Wonderful! That was a great idea.”

I am suspicious. I think this office has taken sensitivity training in how to work with nervous, weasly dental patients to make them feel better, which in turn makes their jobs easier and the patients more willing to return.

And, although I am suspicious, I like all the positive talk. In fact, I’m having a wonderful time! I am having a wonderful time at the dentist, can you imagine? And, yes by golly, I will be coming back in six months to get some more royal treatment. And gifts. I leave the dental office with a bag of tooth brushes, a tube of special tooth cream, two packets of wooden dental picks, green mint dental floss and a magazine on how to lose stomach fat.

All in all, quite a fine day.
*WINNER OF THE RANDOM DRAWING FOR A FREE TELEPHONE SESSION WITH VENUS: *Maddy Farnor*. Offer valid through May 29th, 2008 when it becomes null and void.

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