Bladder Is Fine, Tea Kettle Not So Good

The Dangerous, Angry Tea Kettle

My sister Polly  (“It’s Another Fine Mess”) tells me  that a person needs to pee before they get in a car. Her friend Connie the Paramedic (“Who Ministers to God?”) tells her when you are in a car accident, and you have a full bladder, the bladder blows up.

“Before you get in a car  to go anywhere,” Polly says, “you must always pee.”

I tell Polly I always do that and I make sure everyone around me pees so we don’t have to pee when we are on the road.

Polly has taken a strong pain pill she needs because of constant neck pain. She is flying very high and happy on the medicine. She is talking so fast on the phone there is no way I can break in to make comments or ask questions.

Finally, I manage to thank my sister for the critically and medically important blown bladder  information and say that I will pass it on.

This is an interesting day.

I wake up with a stinging rash across my chest and back, and I feel nauseous with pains in my stomach. Later, my tax man calls and says I owe $20,000! Twenty-thousand dollars! I had planned on $8,000. I heave a sigh, double over with the pain in my stomach, and sink into a deep chair  by the fire. It is raining too—great gusts and swipes of driving rain and hail.

I have a full day of counseling people on the phone ,and I must be clear and able.

Thank God I have trained myself to be clear and easy minded no matter what the situation in my personal life.

I think about this $20,ooo. Last year I took money from my SEP to pay off my house (big tax writeoff gone). Then I worked so hard all year that I didn’t take any Enema Vacations (I will tell you about this one someday!) or all the other adventures that are tax deductible in my life. “Everything you do, Venus, is tax deductible,” Ted The Tax Man has told me.

This new year I will listen to Ted, and if I ever have money again after paying the IRS, I will do more outrageous, tax deductible things.

All day today, people I am chatting with on the phone have major problems. There are seemingly sudden happenings that throw them over the wall.

One lady has been talking with me for 8 years about a man I call Waffling William. She is shocked today when she finds out through a rumor that he’s getting married! He  has never mentioned a girlfriend. He has also never committed to my friend in 8 years. He hasn’t even seen her in person after the first two months! He just promises while he peeps in and out of her life, technologically. She can’t seem to notice or remember this fact or that I have been constantly telling her, he is not the Wonderful Man she thinks he is. She clings to memories of how he was “at first.” Oddly, this lady is amazed and surprised by his “sudden” defection!

Maybe it’s like my being shocked and sobered up by the $20,000 tax fee?

With all the facts given, why is it that we can’t always see what is there, what is coming, and why? Are we really this much in denial? Do we desperately need to see what we want to see until we slide over the sandy cliff that has always been there?

Later, I drink some wine, which hurts my stomach even more, but screw it. I would rather my stomach hurt and my mind be settled. I make sure to pee.

Bill is uptown when the firetruck comes up the narrow street and stops at my place. The rain has stopped briefly, and I run out to my drive when I hear the groaning and squeaking of the big truck. One of the firemen hops out and tells me they are checking properties in town because of the fire storms we’ve had in other years. They are being proactive, looking for overgrown trees and grasses.

He says I have a tree growing to close to the garage and the pine tree on the other side is waving it’s arms too closely to the garage roof. I have 30 days to fix this because of the fire issues.

Bill now rushes into my driveway in his little gold car, and he seems rattled. He says he saw the fire truck and thought the neighbors were in trouble. Then he saw the truck is in the road next to my drive! In his haste to get to me, he drives over plants and into and through the trees that line the road. He finds me standing next to a fireman.

The fireman says, “Is this your husband?”

I hesitate. Do I need to go into the full story about how he is my ex-boyfriend, and now he lives in my studio and pays me rent? Do I say what Bill tells the Direct TV people when he is on the phone with them trying to get some TV help? They always refer to my name on the bill, and they say, “What is your relationship with Venus?’ and he says, “It’s pleasant.”

And another time when Direct TV asked Bill what his relationship was to me,  I heard him say, “I just live here and take care of the TVs.”

To answer the fireman’s questions about “is Bill my husband,” I finally just say, “Close enough.”

The fireman almost gives me a wink.

Odd Lee from up the hill now joins us. Odd Lee has stopped his car in the road. He jumps out, runs up to the fireman, and shouts, “Are you gonna’ check my place for overgrowth? Come on up and look at my property!”

The fireman says from what they could see when they were at the top of the road his place looks fine.

Lee insists they come check his place. The fireman mumbles, shakes his head ‘no’ and demurs.  Bill says sotto voice, “Well, Lee plays with matches.”

Later, Bill slaps me on the arm and can’t stop laughing. “Lee kept asking them to come up to his place and find some violations!”

This is why we call him Odd Lee.

Meantime, while I have been outside dealing with the firetruck, I have  forgotten a tea kettle of water which by now must be boiling very excitedly on the stove top! When I remember and rush into my house, I find the kettle is hot, empty, dry and making choking noises. I am just in time to prevent a possible early fire storm in our neighborhood.

I think it strange that I almost needed the firemen and the firetruck, and if my house had caught fire, it would have been because the firemen and the firetruck were there!

Go figure. Never mind Odd Lee…it has been an Odd Day.

(What was your oddest day?)


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