Looking Good

Electric Johnny

Wednesday, August 15th, 2012

 

Johnny’s House

Johnny wears his hair in a long brown braid down his back. It touches his butt. One time, when he didn’t have a girlfriend to do it, he had me brush and braid his hair for him.

I have known Johnny since we were little, tiny kids. He is brilliant, unusual, kind of a hippy man and certainly a non conformist. He married for the first time a few years ago and now has his first child.

I’m at his house today which is on acres of land, hidden from view.

Outside and looking up to the sky, I gasp. Oh my gosh! Johnny’s house sits nestled in the crook of a tall, sturdy row of power poles with thick ropey hanging wires.

“Johnny!” I shout. “Have these always been here!?”

Johnny looks up casually. “Yep.”

“You live with these things?” I am aghast. “Why do you have all these wires and poles running right over your house and over your pool and …and, and..you live here!”

“Ummmm?” Johnny says. “They’ve been here since I was a little kid. They’ve never bothered us.”

My brain does a turn inside my head. “They have never bothered him or his family?” (more…)

The Other Lexi

Wednesday, July 18th, 2012

“The New Lexi”

My 9 year old granddaughter Lexi, doesn’t want to spend time with me during the school holiday because:

Her Reasons

1. I don’t wear a nightgown to bed.
(Since she was two years old she has always said she hates to sleep next to my ‘dirty bum’.)

2. I keep the bedroom too dark

3. I keep the bedroom window open so we hear the coyotes in the night

4. I eat meat

5. And because she HATES to go to the farm stand. The chickens are too loud.

Lexi does come to visit even though and because:

1. I don’t wear a nightgown to bed.

I wear a night gown to bed

2. I keep the bedroom too dark.

Lexi takes a flashlight to bed

3. I keep the window open so we hear the coyotes in the night.

I convince Lexi that the coyotes are wild dogs celebrating their freedom

4. I eat meat.

I eat meat

5. And because she HATES to go to the farm stand. The chickens are too loud.

We don’t go to the farm stand  (more…)

Too Outrageous For A Title

Tuesday, June 5th, 2012

Ah Glorious Grape..I Won't Be Seeing You For Awhile

My doctor of Oriental medicine tells me I need to breathe through my anus.

I am kind of surprised.

He tells me my Chi is stuck in my head and chest. He says I need to pull it down and out of my body. He says the way to do that is by breathing through my anus.

I’m silent.

My doctor and I work over the phone. I have put him in charge of my health and am finding I have taken on another full time job.

No more wine, coffee, tea, alcohol, gluten, grains or dairy.

Only water and healthy meats and mainly above-ground organic vegetables while we straighten me out.

I have become a self-involved health-minded prissy girl who has lost twelve pounds.

I may look good but my personality feels like it’s snoozing somewhere. I’m boring.

Well…maybe not. Maybe breathing through my anus will make me even more interesting through this time period.

Actually, let’s call that attempting to breathe through my anus.

When I call my daughter and tell her I’ve been instructed to breathe through my anus. she says, ‘Well Mom, you already know how to breathe out through your anus. It’s called a fart. How hard can breathing in be?”

She has a point. (more…)


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