Mysteries in Life

My Epiphany

Wednesday, February 27th, 2013

A Strange Combination Leads To A Clear Insight

Maybe it’s because I’ve drunk too much wine and then decide to take a shot of a strong herbal parasite killer as I slide into bed for the night?

I know I’m feeling pretty bad. Rotten, really. I feel icky and my guts are roiling.

Next thing I know I’m in China. I’m awake in China!

But, somebody whispers, “You’re in America. America has been sold to the Chinese.”

What?!

I look around. All the signs and business banners are in Chinese!

What?!

A Chinese woman, a psychologist, is discreetly trailing me as I walk and gawk  at my strange surroundings. She wonders if I will adjust to my country as it is now or if I will cause trouble.

I’m devastated. I love my country! I suddenly realize that I love America! I raise a balled up hand and beat on my heart. I am a Patriot and I didn’t know it. I want  my country back!

I’m sobbing with love for my country, my Beautiful America!

I realize I have taken Her for granted, that we have all let Her slip away and now She is gone from us.

Why did we in our Country argue so much, why didn’t we get along? Why did we divide ourselves from each other ? Why did we sell our Country? Why did we lose America?

I wake up crying. I’m having an epiphany. ‘I once was blind and now I see.’

It may have been a foolish thing to drink so much wine and top it off with a radical parasite killer, but it taught me to appreciate America.

Don’t the damnedest things happen?

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*You can also find me on Google+ under venus andrecht.  All lower case.


 

The Good Doctor

Wednesday, February 13th, 2013

More About Gas Than You Want To Know?

I’m in my doctor’s office complaining about my gas.

“Ever since you put me on that heavy metal cleanser,” I say,  “I have had terrible shooting gas. When I walk in parking lots, sometimes I find myself shooting out gas like a pipe organ pumps out music.”

My doctor turns from his computer and looks at me.

“I don’t like it,” I say.

My doctor looks pensive.

“Maybe I have a bacteria? Maybe I ate some bad lettuce?”

“No,” my doctor says. “You’re fine. Sometimes, even I have to leave the office and take a quick run around the parking lot to get rid of gas.”

“I’ve started eating fermented sauerkraut,” I say. “I read that if you have that exploding, rumbling kind of gas, that fermented foods will kill off the bad bacteria and make the gut more acidic.”

My doctor sighs a great big sigh.

“I think it’s helping,” I say.

“OK,” my doctor says, “I think I can tell you this.”

He turns toward me on his revolving stool where he’s been sitting while taking notes about me on the computer.

“A woman came in to see me, awhile back. She was about 57 and I had to do a PAP test on her. She was up on the table and just as she put her feet in the stirrups…”

I’m picturing this. The woman is naked and feeling fat and rolly under the flimsy white paper robe that doesn’t close. She’s cringing as she splays her dimpled legs apart and puts her feet into the cold, metal stirrups.  My doctor is sitting right in front of her, getting a great shot of the Grand Canyon, lit up under the bright sun of the medical lamp.

Her situation brings back my own memories of gynecological exams and I cringe, too.

My doctor is continuing, ” So, she’s just spread her legs and put her feet in the stirrups…and I’m sitting right there on the stool between those stirrups and she suddenly passes a huge, long gassy blast.”

Oh, my god. Right in the good Doctor’s face!

“And the poor woman turns beet red all over her body and she’s apologizing and apologizing and she’s in terrible agony about the lapse. I think about the situation for a minute and I do the only kind thing. I stand up and pass an enormous blast of gas that I have been saving up for my walk outside.”

Oh, my god. I begin whooping and laughing. This is my doctor!

“Immediately,” my doctor says, “the woman is laughing and she’s not embarrassed, anymore. The spell is broken. My nurse is in the room and she shrieks and says, ‘I’m getting out of here! I don’t want to be the 3rd person who passes gas!”

I’m now forgetting all about my personal gas problems. I’m laughing it all out.

Aside from an unexpectedly merry time, here’s what I take from this visit today:

It’s very important to choose a good doctor.

*Would you like to receive my NEWSLETTER; ‘The Juicy News” ? Sign up where you see the Blue Head Phones on the right side of this blog story.

*If My True Life (this Blog) gives you a lift, please consider EMAILING it to your friends. You will keep me writing and that is good for my mental health. Better To Get These Weird Things Out Of Mind, Rather Than Keep Them In, right?

*Do you know the kind of work I do when I’m not busy having Adventures? Look here for details. THIS YEAR is a great time to have a phone reading with me!   Visit me at www.GodIsAlwaysHappy.com for rates and availability.

*You can also find me on Google+ under venus andrecht.  All lower case.


 

 

 

By Golly, It’s Another FOD!

Wednesday, January 16th, 2013

 

Jim, Wearing My Glasses, Fighting With The Air Hose

It’s turning out to be a FOD.

When my granddaughter was about 7 she mentioned that every time she’s with me we always have “Fun, But Odd Days.”

“We have FOD days, Babba,” she said.

Right now I am not having so much fun, but it is an odd day.

I’ve asked my brother Jim to show me how to check the air in my car tires and to show me how to fill them. I have 2 blinking lights in my car and when I look the symbols up in my car manual, it says tersely, “Pull over to the side of the road immediately.”

Eeeh gads.

Jim meets me at the gas station. He’s huffy and puffing around like he’s in a hurry to be somewhere else.

After I rustle up 4 quarters he gets the air pump going but he has forgotten his glasses. He can’t see what he’s doing without them and so he takes mine.

Now, I can’t see what he’s doing and the whole point of this is that I will watch closely and see what I need to learn.

Jim is busy unscrewing some little tubes on the tires and I try unscrewing one, myself. My hands are now streaked with black grease. So are Jim’s.

Next, he yanks and pulls the long air hose away from the pump and says “We gotta’ hurry before the air runs out. We only have 3 minutes.”

I wonder out loud why we started the pump before we got the ‘thingers’ out of the tires.

Jim is whipping the hose around and complaining about how his day has gotten all scrambled up.

I wrote a list,” he says, “and this wasn’t on the list.”

The hose won’t reach the back tires. Jim has a hissy fit.

I move the car.

The hose gets away from Jim and snaps in large circles in the air, like a champagne fueled horse whip. We both scream and duck.

Jim then leaps into the ethers like a ballet dancer, grabs the hose, subdues it and starts to fill the tires to 33 pounds of pressure. I’m hanging over him, trying to see where he puts the hose and trying to see how he measures the air. Of course, I can’t see because Jim is wearing my glasses.

I’m frustrated and run my hands through my hair.

My white hair is now streaked with black tire grease.

The pump stops. Our three minutes are up.

We have one tire left to fill.

“No problem,” Jim says. “Leave it.”

“Leave it?!” I stammer. “What if that’s the tire that is bad?”

Jim checks the tire. It’s at 32. “Close enough”, he says.

He runs his black-greased hands through his white hair.

I look but I say nothing.

The day continues in a similar vein, too vexing to even write it out for you to wade through. It’s just one of those days that I don’t have on my list and neither does Jim.

When our sister Candy was in college, one of her teachers was an African American man. One day, someone in class mentioned the lists we make that we think will take control of our days and keep us in order.

The teacher said, “Only white people make lists. Black people never do. We just roll with the tide.”

That made a big impression on me but it didn’t stop me from making lists and getting frantic and fevered when during a day I couldn’t cross most things off that piece of paper.

All these years later I am still making lists. You can always find an old list of some kind in all my jean’s pockets and in the washing machine.

However, sheer age and time have worn me down.

I now make lists but I am loose with my days.

Every morning I think, ‘OK, I have a day planned and I have my list, but I know today will go however it goes and it probably will take turns I never expected.’

And, unlike in my former, more harried life, I look forward to the surprises.

As for today, how many times in my life have I almost been horse whipped by an arcing air hose?

Never.

‘Dang,’I think. ‘That’s something I wouldn’t have put on my list, today. I did have a FOD after all!’

*Do you know the kind of work I do when I’m not busy having Adventures? Look here for details. The NEW YEAR is a great time to have a phone reading with me!   Visit me at www.GodIsAlwaysHappy.com for rates and availability.

*You can also find me on Google+ under venus andrecht.  All lower case.

 **If you like ‘My True Life’ please email it to your friends? You will be encouraging me to keep on writing! Thank you. xo venus 

 

 

 

 

 

 


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