Parties and Fun

3 Men Playing Life’s Lotto?

Wednesday, September 18th, 2013

It’s Not Like Winning The Lotto

Here is what happened at my last Family Party:

1. My sister’s husband, who is a large size fellow, went to Wallmart before the party, slipped on a wet floor in the bathroom, skidded across the tile and slammed into a wall with his shoulder. He was hurt but relieved that he didn’t crash to the floor. As he said, “How would they have ever gotten me up? Used a crane?” He skipped my party.

2. My ex-BF, Bill tripped perhaps over his own foot and fell hard on the patio as he was cooking hamburgers. He made a huge thudding sound as he smashed his elbow onto the brick and twisted his ribs and other parts. As he said, “How did this happen? I never fall.

3. My brother Jim tells me when he left the party, he ran down the long drive to his car which was parked on the side of the main road. He opened the car door, slipped, fell hard onto the road, hit his head and rolled into the middle of the street. And, this is a man who doesn’t drink.

My question? How is it that 3 men in my family, who never fall, all slipped and fell hard in one day, the day of the Family Party? It’s not like winning the Lotto!

Sometimes, life doesn’t make sense.

Why doesn’t Live give the answers to odd circumstances?

“THE DEAR VENUS SHOW: All Show Times and Ways to Listen

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How Embarrassing

Wednesday, September 4th, 2013

The Watermelon In The Compost Pile

Yippee! There’s a volunteer watermelon growing in the compost pile! The fruit is round, it’s big and green and gorgeous.

There’s a family party at my house today on Labor Day and Bill and I can’t wait to show the melon to our large family. We’ve been talking to each other about this lucky melon for days. Won’t people be surprised and envious?!

The family includes my Great Aunt Ruby and three of my 3rd cousins who I don’t know well. We’ll show them how great country living can be! Melons growing like gold in the garbage dump out back!

In fact, everyone will be impressed when we drag all 30 people out to see our prize. And then…and then, we will pick it... and bring it around to the front of the house. Then, with Ceremony we will cut it up and all of us will eat watermelon for Labor Day!

Here’s what really happens:

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The Underpants

Wednesday, August 28th, 2013

We’ll Talk About This Photo In A Minute…But First, The UnderPants.

A woman friend comes to my house for tea and company.

She bakes and brings fresh scones with strawberry jam and clobbered cream. The scones are flat when they should be fluffy. They look like flat, pale cookies.

My friend complains her scones are a failure, but in fact they are delicious. In my mind I call them ‘Sccookies’. The word Scone with Cookies. Very cleaver of me.

Maybe we can bake and build a Twinkies kind of mega-corporation off my friend’s Sccookies? Maybe we can become rich and pudgy off our own brilliance?

No, we are not drinking.

My friend wants to swim in my pool in her underpants and tee shirt.

“Good idea,” I say, about the swimming in panties.

I want to swim, too so I run in the house, put on a hot pink sports bra and pull on a pair of neon green nylon shorts. Pulling those shorts up and on is hard work. I have gained weight since last summer.

Finally, the shorts are up, but eeeh gads, they are inside out! They look even worse than they might if they were on proper.

However, they are too much trouble to peel down and re-do as they are so tight I will never get them off. I will have to wear them inside out.

I usually swim naked. I know you know that.

I am always getting into unexpected trouble while naked in the pool. There was that time I heard my old, deaf pool man coming through my iron gate and I banged out of the water so fast that I had to go and see a chiropractor for a twisted back.  (more…)


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