Relationships

The Day I Ate Rat Shit

Wednesday, August 7th, 2013

Venus And Summer In Our Winter Coats, Dec 2012

There Is No Photo Of Me Eating Rat Shit. Sorry. Just a photo of me and my daughter.

It’s a long plane ride to Malaysia.

The plane is a heavy *DC7 and it lumbers and sputters, mostly through the air, for 27 hours.

This is awhile back in time.

Summer is 16 and has insisted on coming with me while I build a business in Malaysia.

“I can’t let you go to Malaysia alone, Mom!”

We’re seated side by side in the front of the plane, cozied up near the stewardesses. The ladies, with their trim suits and little caps, bunch up together and whisper and complain. They keep saying the plane is old and used up and that it’s going to crash. They talk about the plane’s noises, malfunctions and the imminent plane crash, the entire trip.

I don’t know why this discussion doesn’t bother Summer and me. What bothers us more is that we are served 3 meals, all dinners, and they are always red eel with spikes. The meal is especially bad when we are woken up at 3:00 AM in our morning to eat another round of ‘cactus’ eel. The eels’s sharp points stick and lodge in our tongues and gums.

Thankfully, we have brought a few snacks with us.

Around hour #20, I pull a 4″ long, thin, commercially sealed bag of nuts and seeds from my large purse. Yum.

Summer refuses my offer to share, as she is working on a few dry cookies.

I chomp down the nuts and seeds and think of America and pancakes and eggs with crispy bacon.

I’ve finished the bag down to about an inch or less, where the nuts and seeds are all powdery. I see the remains are thick with nice salt and dark spices. I tip my head back, thwack the end of the bag with the palm of my hand and tap the last of the food into my mouth. Chew. Swallow.

Arrrgh!! It tastes like rat shit! It tastes like rat shit!!

I bend over my lap, gasping and choking. I can’t get the stuff up. It’s too late! I peer in the bag. Oh my God! It’s not spices, it’s….it’s rat shit! 

“Arrrgggh!” I bellow and turn toward Summer. I’m breathing hard.

“Mom!” Summer draws sharply away from me and shrieks. “Your breath is awful! You smell like rat shit!”

I think I’m crying. Not only have I willingly eaten rat shit and even with gusto..now I am going to die. I am going to get Rat Rabies and die! Or, maybe it will be a fatal Rat Fever or Rat Shit Cholera! I actually don’t know what terrible disease I will now get and die of because I have never researched or studied the effects of eating rat shit!

I’m blubbering. “Summer. I just ate rat shit. Look! Look!”

I show her what’s left in the bag.

“Oh, your breath is horrible Mom, it’s just horrible!!!”

She only cares how bad I smell. Wait until she smells me later.

Fortunately, because I am a hypochondriac, I am prepared for all eventualities.

I pull a large bottle of high powered Vitamin C from my purse and frantically swallow most of pills in the bottle.

I can tell you now, that I don’t die… but I do get a terrible case of the runs from all the Vitamin C….and diarrhea is not fun on a long flight to Malaysia on an old, heavy plane that is about to crash.

*It’s a DC7 or something like that.

*Do you know the kind of work I do when I’m not busy having Adventures?  THIS YEAR is a great time to have a Phone Reading with me!   Visit me at www.GodIsAlwaysHappy.com for rates and availability.

*Would you like to receive my NEWSLETTER: ‘The Juicy News’ ? Sign up where you see the Blue Head Phones on the right side of this blog story on the original blog page: http://www.godisalwayshappy.com/blog

*If My True Life (this Blog) gives you a lift, please consider EMAILING it to your friends. You will keep me writing and that is good for my mental health. Better To Get These Weird Things Out Of Mind, Rather Than Keep Them In, right?

*You can also find me on Google+ and FB Fan Page under venus andrecht.  


 

 

 

 

 

 

Children Disappear Into UFO

Wednesday, July 31st, 2013

 

The UFO That Whisked The Kids Away!

Here is the UFO that swallowed my grandkids.

Lexi, 10, has assured Loch, 7, that he will love being slammed and flattened against the wall, defying gravity as the UFO spins rapidly in the air.

I’m not so sure that we won’t have to stop the ride and go into the UFO and save Loch from his folly.

We’re at the local Fair. What I’ve noticed  about this Fair is that most people here, (the public and the carnival workers,) need to wash their hair.  Also, most folks are a bit more than just fat; they’re pretty much dragging loose flesh around as they slap through the dust.

I feel my own hair and pinch the skin muffin around my own waist.

We’ve been here for several hours. I’m tired and hot and I want to go home and wash my  hair and lose weight.

Here is the joke Loch tells Bill and me as we drive to the fair:

” What do you get when you cross the road with a dog and a rose?” The answer: “A cauliflower!”

We think he means, ‘What do you get when you cross a dog and a rose?’

We find his joke hysterical and he is much pleased. Then Bill tries to explain that you don’t cross a road with a dog and a rose to get a cauliflower, you cross a dog with a rose.

Loch doesn’t get it. Neither does Lexi and they are outraged when we laugh even more.

They keep shouting, ‘Why are you laughing so much! Explain it!’ We do, again and again in various ways and get no where. Maybe because there are a lot of holes in their understanding of the birds and the bees. In Loch’s case, he knows nothing, and Lexi has had only had a bit of ‘The Talk’ which sent her into outraged hysterics, at the time.

At the fair, it’s getting late. The kids want to eat dinner and then come back and do more Rides.

Lexi chooses chips with melted fake Velveeta cheese as her meal and Loch gets a hot dog. For dessert, they can’t decide. Caramel corn, waffle cake or poison dyed snow cones.

I’m glad when they choose the evil snow cones. Do you know why? Because the kids are anxious to get back to the Carnival for more Rides. It’s getting cold and dark and I want to go home.

My approval of the snow cones works perfectly. After the kids are halfway into them, because they are wearing shorts and tiny tops, they get chilled and want to leave!

And so we do.

Once on our way, the kids start badgering us about that darn dog crossing the road again, but I tell Bill, ‘Let’s leave this one to their folks!’

And so we do.

(And, now that I have finished this Blog, I am going  to the kitchen and make another peach cobbler. The one I made last week with an oat topping, didn’t turn out so well. I had to eat it as a breakfast cereal!)

*Do you know the kind of work I do when I’m not busy having Adventures?  THIS YEAR is a great time to have a Phone Reading with me!   Visit me at www.GodIsAlwaysHappy.com for rates and availability.

*Would you like to receive my NEWSLETTER: ‘The Juicy News’ ? Sign up where you see the Blue Head Phones on the right side of this blog story on the original blog page: http://www.godisalwayshappy.com/blog

*If My True Life (this Blog) gives you a lift, please consider EMAILING it to your friends. You will keep me writing and that is good for my mental health. Better To Get These Weird Things Out Of Mind, Rather Than Keep Them In, right?

*You can also find me on Google+ and FB Fan Page under venus andrecht.  


 

 

 

 

Toad Fish Soup With Shrimp In Red Pants

Wednesday, July 24th, 2013

The grandkids are here. Both Lexi and Loch are fighting pretty much non-stop. I try and keep them separated.

Loch is ‘cooking’.’ He is cooking with mud, rocks and weeds. He has just asked me if I would like some ‘Yellow Jacket Crunch.’  “Made with real Yellow Jackets,” he tells me, that have drowned in his kiddie pool.

Bill is also served a bowl of Hornet Soup. He pronounces it, “Very good!”

There is no photo  here of ‘Grumpy The Plummer’ who has just been here and gone. Yes, I have plumbing problems.

I load ‘Grumpy’ up with excess peaches and apples  from my trees before he leaves my house.

Here is what the kids and I have been doing this week.

The kids are fighting from the moment I pick them up. As I believe I have already said.

I got almost no sleep last night. The kids were sleeping but I wasn’t.

Today, the kids  announce that all the food I feed them is suspect and they want to know what is in everything I cook for them. I text their mother and tell them this is her fault.

Earlier this morning as we drive up to my brother and sister-in-law’s jewelry store I say, “We’re going to visit your Uncle Art and Aunt MaryEllen.” They say, “Who are they?”

OK, looks like the kids need to visit me more often.

We go and visit the Carnival that is being set up across from the Senior Center. Tomorrow evening , we will go and ride the rides and eat funnel cake and cotton candy. And, maybe throw up later in the night.

We visit my friend at the Art Gallery as we are looking for fertile eggs. They aren’t here but they will be by tomorrow. You have to realize  this is a small town and an artist  brings her excess eggs to an art gallery. These are the best, most orange eggs, laid by chickens that truly run loose and the best thing is the eggs are free!

This morning the kids and I go back to the Pool Supply store. Why? Because yesterday, I bought Loch a small toy boat that runs on the pool water with some kind of radio control.

This boat is a real ‘Key Buy’ as Loch, who was frantic to have it, seems to have no interest in actually running the boat in the pool.

Yesterday, at the pool store, Lexi got a large, blow up dolphin to ride. However, we find our bicycle pump will not pump it up. So, this morning we go back and buy a foot pump from China that does a very desultory job of pumping and while pumping (for a very long time) by foot, Bill says the ‘S’ word a number of times.

My friend Sonja comes over at the end of the day and we have a drink or two. The sun is now thinking of setting and I realize I need to get a blog out.

I apologize to you. This blog is it. I’m going to bed,now, and it is very early. I am going to bed at the same time the kids do.

P.S. Lexi says to tell you she remembers her aunt and uncle! She is also adamant that I talk more about her in my blogs…I am just not allowed to embarrass her. I am not sure how to do that as almost everything I say embarrasses her, now that she is 10.

Good night. I apologize for this less than perfect, poorly put together blog, but Baba is really tired and there are 2 more days to go. xo venus

And PS, I left out the visit today to the metaphysical book store, the Chamber of Commerce and the ride up another mountain outside of town where Lexi and Loch asked me why I was taking them up another mountain. They were afraid we were making another trip to see The Chicken Lady.

They would, however, like to see ‘The Big Rock Candy Mountain’ which is really called Mt. Woodson, and guards the town. Their mother told them that when she was little she found a door into the mountain that leads to all the candy inside. So, now this is a hike that we need to take at some point.

OK, this is it. I really mean it, now. I am going to bed. xo venus

*Do you know the kind of work I do when I’m not busy having Adventures?  THIS YEAR is a great time to have a Phone Reading with me!   Visit me at www.GodIsAlwaysHappy.com for rates and availability.

*Would you like to receive my NEWSLETTER: ‘The Juicy News’ ? Sign up where you see the Blue Head Phones on the right side of this blog story on the original blog page: http://www.godisalwayshappy.com/blog

*If My True Life (this Blog) gives you a lift, please consider EMAILING it to your friends. You will keep me writing and that is good for my mental health. Better To Get These Weird Things Out Of Mind, Rather Than Keep Them In, right?

*You can also find me on Google+ and FB Fan Page under venus andrecht.  


 

 


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