Screaming Hysterics

The Big Rock Phobia Mountain

Tuesday, June 12th, 2012

Big Rock Phobia Mountain

“So there I was,” says Joan, “way up in the sky, flat on my stomach, hugging the boulder and screaming ‘NO!'”

We are having tea at my house. Joan is my friend and also the most successful Realtor in town.

We’re discussing phobias, and she says she can beat mine.

Which I doubt.

But, when you deal with lots of raw land like Joan does here in my town, you get some big adventures.

I pour some more hot tea into our cups.

“OK,” Joan says, “it was a beautiful day and I had to take an engineer out to walk a big ranch. He had to measure things. It was going to take a lot of climbing and walking and I was prepared. I do this all the time.

“We drove out there in the man’s jeep, hopped out and started walking. It’s a big ranch with lots of boulders, snakes, and oak trees.

“Off in the distance we see a tall…very tall…long hill covered with boulders. The engineer man says, ‘We need to go up to the top there. I need to measure and stick a flag up.’

“He says, ‘Are you up for this?’ and I say, ‘Hell, yes. I do this all the time.’

“So Venus,” Joan says, “we started climbing that big thing, winding our way along side the huge rocks, the poison oak, the rabbits…well, you know how it is, you used to sell real estate here in town.”

“More tea?” I ask.

Joan declines.

“So, we get to the top of that mountain. Let’s call it a mountain because hell, it was one.  The man grabs a chunk of the biggest boulder there and shimmies up it like it’s greased. He stands up on the top of that thing and  shouts, ‘Come on up here, I need you to hold some equipment for me.'”

“No problem,” I say.

“I clamber up that enormous boulder and reach the top. I stand up straight and then I remember something important. (more…)

Too Outrageous For A Title

Tuesday, June 5th, 2012

Ah Glorious Grape..I Won't Be Seeing You For Awhile

My doctor of Oriental medicine tells me I need to breathe through my anus.

I am kind of surprised.

He tells me my Chi is stuck in my head and chest. He says I need to pull it down and out of my body. He says the way to do that is by breathing through my anus.

I’m silent.

My doctor and I work over the phone. I have put him in charge of my health and am finding I have taken on another full time job.

No more wine, coffee, tea, alcohol, gluten, grains or dairy.

Only water and healthy meats and mainly above-ground organic vegetables while we straighten me out.

I have become a self-involved health-minded prissy girl who has lost twelve pounds.

I may look good but my personality feels like it’s snoozing somewhere. I’m boring.

Well…maybe not. Maybe breathing through my anus will make me even more interesting through this time period.

Actually, let’s call that attempting to breathe through my anus.

When I call my daughter and tell her I’ve been instructed to breathe through my anus. she says, ‘Well Mom, you already know how to breathe out through your anus. It’s called a fart. How hard can breathing in be?”

She has a point. (more…)

Mother And The Chinese Doctors

Monday, April 30th, 2012

Mom's Chinese Doctor

 

My mother and I thought it was a good idea at the time.

I say, “Mom. Let’s go down the mountain and see a Chinese herbalist and get me some Chinese herbs to mix up and brew. I know they’ll make me feel better.”

“Good idea, honey,” my mother says. “You always have such good ideas.”

(This all happened many lives ago, while I was divorcing my second and last husband, and I was a physical and emotional wreck. I needed a cure.)

Off we chug; down the mountain to a quirky place called Hillcrest where I quickly find just the right little shop for me. It’s dark inside.  From the ceiling hang swaths of  dried plants. Glass jars packed with ground, pulverized, and shaved herbs (and probably beetles and dung and dragonfly heads), sit on shelves.

Oh yum. I forget all about my unhappiness with the Bad Husband.  (more…)


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