Things I’m Not Good At

The Crepe Hangers

Tuesday, June 26th, 2012

The Crepe Hangers

A couple I know that I secretly call The Crepe Hangers, say to me as we are leaving the coffee shop, “Do you realize the three of us only have ten to fifteen years left to live?”

Not in my book.

A few days ago I’m walking with my daughter and I say something like, “When I get old I’m going to hang spangles out of my nose.”

Summer laughs but not at the spangles. She says, “Mom! ‘When I get old’ is something a forty-year old would say!'”

She laughs and laughs.

Later, a man friend tells me, “We have to pay $1700 to put my 101 year old mother’s ashes in a grave we own! It’s next to her first husband. Plus we have to pay  extra money for other things just because we’re putting her ashes there. In the grave we have owned for years!”

I say, “Just scatter her ashes on top of your dad’s grave and save the money.”

I think he is horrified with what I think is a reasonable idea.

My mother, I tell him, is still in her fancy box on my hall table. My cleaning lady doesn’t know that’s my Mum in there & she is always stacking books & what nots on top of her. (more…)

Too Outrageous For A Title

Tuesday, June 5th, 2012

Ah Glorious Grape..I Won't Be Seeing You For Awhile

My doctor of Oriental medicine tells me I need to breathe through my anus.

I am kind of surprised.

He tells me my Chi is stuck in my head and chest. He says I need to pull it down and out of my body. He says the way to do that is by breathing through my anus.

I’m silent.

My doctor and I work over the phone. I have put him in charge of my health and am finding I have taken on another full time job.

No more wine, coffee, tea, alcohol, gluten, grains or dairy.

Only water and healthy meats and mainly above-ground organic vegetables while we straighten me out.

I have become a self-involved health-minded prissy girl who has lost twelve pounds.

I may look good but my personality feels like it’s snoozing somewhere. I’m boring.

Well…maybe not. Maybe breathing through my anus will make me even more interesting through this time period.

Actually, let’s call that attempting to breathe through my anus.

When I call my daughter and tell her I’ve been instructed to breathe through my anus. she says, ‘Well Mom, you already know how to breathe out through your anus. It’s called a fart. How hard can breathing in be?”

She has a point. (more…)

Venus’s Mega Million Dollar Afternoon

Tuesday, April 3rd, 2012

Venus's Mega-Million Dollar Day

It’s Big Money Day. It’s Mega Million Lottery Night in the USA. Close to a billion dollars can be won tonight for the person who beats the $176,000,000 to one odds. And it could be ME.

Well…probably not really. But I don’t want to miss out on the party that everyone is enjoying. I rush up town late in the afternoon to buy some tickets.

I’m in the grocery store and the line is too long for me at the Lottery counter.

I drive down the street to Mike’s Liquor, run by the two Mid-Eastern brothers.

There’s lots of cars and motorcycles in front of their little store. “Karrooom, Karooom,” more motorcycles are charging into the rutted dirt lot.

Inside the store, there’s a long line. A big lady with tattoos all over her muscular arms is buying “a pack of Camels and five Mega Tickets.” Next to her is a woman who is buying tickets for herself and her father, who stands to the side. “He can’t speak English,” the woman says.

The next person ahead of me is a man with a frizzy, curly brown beard. He buys a handful of tickets. “I’m gonna’ win!” he shouts to those of us in line.

Next up is me. I don’t know how to buy lottery tickets but I gamely say, “I want two tickets from the computer and I want two tickets where I choose the numbers myself.”

“Go outside,” says the brother at the computer.

“Go outside?” I say.

“Must go outside.”

“Why?” I’m flustered and puzzled. I’ve been watching everyone else buy their tickets at the counter.

“I want,” I repeat, “four tickets, two by computer and two from me.”

“Here!”  the brother at the computer demands as he reaches for and takes my five dollar bill.

He does something on the computer, hands me the tickets and a dollar.

“What?” I say. I look at the tickets. There are four sets of numbers on one ticket.

“No, no! I only want two computer tickets and I need two sets of numbers that I choose myself.”

The brother reaches over and snatches my tickets. “Fine! I take!” (more…)

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