Archive for the ‘ Odd People I Meet ’ Category

Can Old Ladies Be Trusted?

Wednesday, May 15th, 2013

Carol is 85 and beats the heads off live rattlesnakes. Then she skins the rest of the snake. And salts the skins.

 

Only SOME Of Carol’s Snake Skins

This is her collection.

She and the rattlesnakes live, and some expire, on a big ranch down the road from me.
Every Thursday, my art friend Regina, myself and our art teacher Stan, come to Carol’s house to paint. Many times when I walk from outside the house into Carol’s laundry room, I jump half my body length into the air. I jump because Carol has several snake skins or more, laid out on the top of her dryer, right next to the door. They’re just lying there like live snakes in repose;  relaxed and salted as they dry.

I often shriek.  (more…)

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My Mother’s Friend

Wednesday, May 8th, 2013

My Mother’s Friend, Martha

My mother’s friend Martha is 90 years old. She is mainly blind from birth, and now her hearing is drifting off. I imagine words coming towards her and curling into a gentle, blue puffy cloud.

Martha lives alone with her dog friend, Gretel.

Martha considers my mother her best friend. But, my mother is dead… and hence so is Martha’s best friend.

Martha calls me on the phone one day, wanting to return a book to me. She must have borrowed it from my mother.

I say, “Keep it or give it away, whatever you want.”

There is a silence.

“Oh. Do you want me to come and get it?” I ask.

Yes. She does.

She’s lonely. She wants to see me. I haven’t seen Martha since my mother died 2 1/2 years ago.

The next day when I arrive at her gate, I park my car, get out and wait for her to push her way down the drive with her walker. She unlocks the heavy wire gate and I step through the opening.

She reaches toward me, takes my face in her hands and peers closely up into my face.

“Oh. You look just like your mother. It’s like having your mother here with me, again.”

I am going to be my mother for an hour or two as I spend some time with Martha.

We inch our way up the long drive. Martha tells me she has to use the walker because her dog, in her great thrill with life and running, ran over her one day when they were outside. Greta knocked Martha to the ground and Martha broke her leg.

“But, I’m fine now,” Martha tells me once we are settled in the house at her table. “I only bring the walker outside with me so Greta can’t take me down when she’s chasing rabbits and squirrels.

Martha has a nice old house. It’s not fancy. It’s plain. The kitchen where we are sitting has old coffee cans dotting the sink, mismatched dishes and cracked drinking glasses. It looks like my mother’s kitchen.

Martha’s husband died 25 years ago. I remember him. A tall man with a great, big dark moustache that ran up at the ends into a wide smile.

They raised chickens. Looking out the kitchen window I notice the long old chicken houses, rusted with age and neglect.

Martha has been alone for a long, long time.

Her children live in places like China and Nepal. One lives across a wide field near Martha but she is gone for ten and more hours a day.

I look around and silently wonder, ‘How do you live alone when you are old and nearly blind and can hardly hear?’

“How do you do it?” I ask her.  ”How do you feel about living alone?”

Martha says she is healthy. That even her knees are good. She thinks a minute. “About living and being alone for so many years? I just do it.”

She says it used to be easier when a bus came by and took her uptown but that it’s been years since that bus came by. Once a week, a friend takes her for a senior lunch at the Centre. The daughter that lives across the big field, takes her grocery shopping and they have lunch every Sunday.

I hear the ticking of an old wooden clock on the kitchen wall. We sit quietly and I listen to the tick. Martha has been listening to that clock tick her days away for at least 25 years.

“I have to go now,” I say, reluctantly. “I have to be somewhere else.”

“Oh. It’s been so nice having you here for awhile,” she says. She is disappointed that I have to go.

“In a couple, of weeks,” I say, “I’m going to call you and come and get you and take you to my house for lunch and tea. Would you like that?”

She would!

Now, we both have something to look forward, too.

Martha sees my mother in me…and I see my mother in Martha.

My mother’s old friend is now my new friend.

My mother’s friend is now my friend, too.

Suddenly, I feel all sweet and warm inside.

….*Do you know the kind of work I do when I’m not busy having Adventures?  THIS YEAR is a great time to have a Phone Reading with me!   Visit me at www.GodIsAlwaysHappy.com for rates and availability.

*Would you like to receive my NEWSLETTER: ‘The Juicy News’ ? Sign up where you see the Blue Head Phones on the right side of this blog story on the original blog page: http://www.godisalwayshappy.com/blog

*If My True Life (this Blog) gives you a lift, please consider EMAILING it to your friends. You will keep me writing and that is good for my mental health. Better To Get These Weird Things Out Of Mind, Rather Than Keep Them In, right?

*You can also find me on Google+ and FB Fan Page under venus andrecht.  


 

 

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Bob’s Privates

Wednesday, April 24th, 2013

This Is ‘Worried’ Bob

Bill is talking about Bob’s anal glands, again.

It’s early morning. I have just gotten up and am dozing a bit in my comfortable leather chair with the sun on my shoulders, in the sitting room. With a full coffee cup in one hand, I am easing into the day.

*Bill has come in from his Studio that’s attached to my house.

“Good morning,” he says. Then he makes a bit of cheery chit chat about the world news, which isn’t like him. Instead of just leaving me the newspaper, he is being sociable.

Standing in front of me  he says, “We need another $60 for repair of the leaf blower. I already gave the guy $30.”

I say, “Bill, this is why I like to buy quality. We get something cheap and we pay more and more when it breaks down.”

The cheap leaf blower is always breaking down. Guess who picked it out.

We have a tiny, heated discussion about the leaf blower.

When that subject gets beaten up there is silence while Bill jiggles up and down.

“I’ve been looking at replacements for the  outside chair cushions,” he says.

He goes on to remark on the colors, the stuffings, the different brands that he likes.

We have discussed this many times. He wants the cushions. I have found the cushions I like and would have ordered them a month ago if I were in charge.

Bill wants what I, as an artist, consider some ugly replacements and we have been arguing about this. Finally, I have said, “Since I’m paying for them, we are getting what I want.”

I have asked Bill a number of times to measure the 3 types of chairs and then I will order the cushions. I have been leaving this to him as the whole replacement thing is his idea.

Meanwhile, we are heading into the summer and are at an impasse.

I take a deep breath. No reason to be mad about a small, silly thing.

“So, we need to get Bob to the vet to squeeze his anal glands,” Bill says. (more…)

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Justice Prevails

Wednesday, April 17th, 2013

Ramona, California-The Town Where Justice Lives

“Justice wants to walk you to your car,” the woman says.

Our small health food store is one of my favorite places in town. It’s owned by a couple with 5 children.

I’m at the counter checking out my little bag of groceries and when I hear the woman’s voice, I glance behind me. And look down. There is a small boy with brown hair looking up at me. His mother, one of the owners, is standing behind him.

“OoooK…” I say to his mom. “That’s nice of him. Sure, he can walk me to my car.”

The checker slides my Trader Joe’s bag to me.

I take it and say to Justice, “Let’s go?”

He reaches out a spindly arm and says, “Give me your bag.”

Justice appears to be a serious, no nonsense kind of guy.

As I hand the bag over I’m glad I’ve shopped light today.

Justice has my groceries and struggles to push open the heavy glass door for me. I give it a shove from behind him.

We ease down the crumbly concrete steps of the old building and into the tiny alley. I say,

“Always look for cars when you do this. Look both ways now. Left and right.”

I want to take his hand to guide him but it doesn’t seem right when he’s walking me to the car and carrying my bag.

We quickly get to my car and I open the back door, after Justice has gamely tried to do it.

He puts the bag on the seat.

I shut the door.

“Thanks so much Justice, you were so helpful. I really appreciate your help. Be careful crossing the alley, now. Look both ways.”

I turn away and open my car door. I am half way into the seat when I hear his voice behind me.

“I take tips.”

“You do?!” I almost shout.

Bounding out of the car I stand and look down at Justice. He’s looking up at me, holding his ground.

“You take tips?”

I’m thinking, ‘How much money do you give a little kid?’

“How old are you?” I ask.

“I’m six.”

I’m thinking of my 6 year old grandson. He doesn’t know a dime from a doughnut hole. A quarter and a dollar and a hundred dollar bill are all the same to him.

I’m stalling for time to think.

“What do you need the money for?”

“Things. I need money for things. Like going to Disney Land.”

Opening my coin purse I think, ‘A quarter or a dollar?’ I decide on a quarter and put it in Justice’s out stretched hand.

He takes it and puts it in his jean’s front pocket.

He looks up at me.

“I’m Justice,” he says. “I fight for justice for the good guys against the bad guys.”

Briefly, I think, ‘Am I a good guy? Is a quarter enough to qualify?’

Justice is a serious kid. I’d like to be on the good side.

He turns to leave and I say, ”Next time I’m in, I’ll ask for you. Look both ways, now. Watch for cars.”

As he carefully makes his way back to the steps and into the store I start laughing.

‘I take tips.’

I have just met a very Young Entrepreneur and perhaps a soon to be Famous Prosecutor and a Fighter for Social Justice.

I won’t forget Justice, that’s for sure. He’s a scrappy little fellow that will be grown up one day. And in those future days I may need  to have him in my corner of any ring I might find myself in.

So, look around folks. Are there any kids you know that you might want to mentor or cultivate with particular attention and kindness? After all, little kids become big kids and they eventually run the world.

….*Do you know the kind of work I do when I’m not busy having Adventures? Look here for details. THIS YEAR is a great time to have a phone reading with me!   Visit me at www.GodIsAlwaysHappy.com for rates and availability.

*Would you like to receive my NEWSLETTER; ’The Juicy News” ? Sign up where you see the Blue Head Phones on the right side of this blog story on the original blog page: http://www.godisalwayshappy.com/blog

*If My True Life (this Blog) gives you a lift, please consider EMAILING it to your friends. You will keep me writing and that is good for my mental health. Better To Get These Weird Things Out Of Mind, Rather Than Keep Them In, right?

*You can also find me on Google+ under venus andrecht.  All lower case.


 

 

 

 

 

 

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Chicken Lady & Underwear Man

Wednesday, April 10th, 2013

 

Not Chickens But Close Enough?

“Stop, Baba! Stop! I’m scared! Turn around!”

My grandkids are screaming with terror in the back seat of my car.

Too late to stop. We are climbing straight up the side of a mountain that is mainly enormous shiny boulders. Chicken Lady lives here and we have come to meet her chickens.

Eeeh gads. Even I am nervous. I haven’t expected this.

We reach a small plateau surrounded by more Straight Up. I park the car. This is the place. We all get out and we are leaning forwards so we can stay upright.

There is an old house up the grade aways and behind and beside us and in front of us are long, slung together chicken sheds.

Around us, beside us and in front of us run big goats and baby goats, loose chickens and cats.

An old woman dressed in overalls slides down the mountain towards us.

It’s Chicken Lady!

Loch who is 6, is looking at the ground around his feet which is littered with  small, moist brown balls. The balls are arranged in artistic scattered piles and lines, as far as we can see.

Loch says to Chicken Lady, “What is that stuff?”

Chicken Lady puts down a bucket and  says, “It’s goat poop.”

Loch winces, cries out and tries to dance around and away from it.

Chicken Lady looks at me and says, “Where is he from?”

I say he lives at the Coast and they don’t have goat manure there.

We tilt our heads back and look up. More goats are climbing the rocks and the mountain. I am trying to keep my balance by flailing my arms and moving my feet.

Chicken Lady suggests we meet the chickens. We turn and slide down the hill and kind of roll into one of the vast sheds. The sunlit sheds contain all kinds of chickens that are roaming at will. There’s also a lot of goats in here.

The kids are impressed.

A big, gold goat comes trotting up to Loch, stops and stands in front of him and pees a massive pee.

Loch points and yells, “What’s that!?”

Chicken Lady looks surprised and disgusted at his question.

“It’s a goat peeing,” she says.

Loch screams and backs away, going into a ragged wail of fake crying.

“What’s the matter with you?” Chicken Lady says.

She stares at him and says, “Everything poops and everything pees. Get used to it.”

This is our day at the chicken ‘ranch.’

As we climb into the car to leave, Chicken Lady sidles up to me and asks if I think the kid will ever be normal. I say that I hope so. That I am trying to teach Loch about Real Life Beyond The Cosmopolitan Coast.

We say ‘Good-bye’ and ‘thanks,’ to Chicken Lady. Then we slam our car doors, kick the red car into gear and slide it down the mountain, leaving (I’m sorry to say) Chicken Lady in a great whirl of dust and tiny stones. The kids yell, “Go faster Baba! Go faster!” (more…)

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My Stupid Love Life

Wednesday, April 3rd, 2013

Good Energy Art By Venus http://www.artmojos.com

It’s 6PM, several years ago. I’m cutting flowers in my summer garden. My house phone is ringing and I rush inside the kitchen to answer it. It’s Harry, the fellow my brother has been telling me has a crush on me. I’m breathing hard from the quick run from the yard.

Harry says, “Venus, what time does your mother go to bed?”

“Ah…what?  My mother? What times does my mother go to bed? Eight? Eight-thirty? Why.”

“I’d like to go and see her ,” Harry says, “But, maybe it’s too late in the day.”

My mother is 87 and Harry is maybe 40. He thinks of my mother as his mother.

“Here”, I say, “I’ll give you her care taker’s number. She can tell you if Mom is still up.”

“No, no!” Harry shouts.  ”Don’t.”

“OK,” I say. “Goodnight then?”

“Thank you, Venus,” Harry says, “for running inside to answer the phone.”

Later, I laugh myself to sleep. This is one of the more novel excuses a man has used to phone me.

“What time does your mother go to bed?” !!? (more…)

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The FOD Girls

Wednesday, March 13th, 2013

Lexi Meets The Neanderthal Man

Summer is saying, “So far nothing odd has happened today for you to write about in your blog, Mom.”

And, then it happens.

The three of us are playing hooky from our regular lives, today. We’ve come to Balboa Park to give my granddaughter Lexi, who is 10, some museum culture. Lexi has been badgering us for months, to take her to see the “Naked Neanderthal men at the History Museum.”

I’ve thought she might be disappointed. In America, nobody has genitals in these kinds of places. It’s just not done. This may be why the Neanderthals died out.

The cavemen are indeed a disappointment.

Next, we have lunch outside at a fancy place on the Park grounds. While looking at the menu, Summer says, “Lexi will have a big Margarita.”

Lexi snaps to attention and gets excited.

“Oh wait,” her mother says, ” I was thinking about myself, not you Lexi. Sorry.”

Lexi slumps in her chair and peers at her dismal glass of water.

So far, nothing *FOD has happened.

As we get up from our table after lunch, we notice small white hearts encased in tiny plastic snack baggies, on the ground.

Oh my! (more…)

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Whoops! Another Good Doctor!

Wednesday, February 20th, 2013

Sometimes It Would Have Been Better To Have Stayed Home For The Day

A phone call comes from a friend of mine and she is screaming with laughter. She has just read my blog from last week, recounting the mighty gas display by my Good Doctor.

‘Sylvia’ feels compelled to tell me about her husband Dr.’Pete’, the chiropractor, and his  profound  experience.

He likes to dress casually when he works, she says. A sport shirt and a nice pair of pants will do the job.

One day he is busy adjusting a 400 lb lady. He bends over her as the big woman lies face down on the adjusting table. Because of her size, he has to labor to put his full weight into the adjusting maneuver. The mighty stress of the effort suddenly and most unexpectedly, rips his pants wide open from his back waistband right down through his butt cheeks to the crotch of his pants.

“Not to worry,” Dr. Pete later tells his wife, “my  patient didn’t hear the ripping tear  because at the same moment she was ripping herself, as she let out a gigantic fart!”

“But, feeling a need to work more freely, Pete had decided not to wear any underpants that day,” Sylvia tells me. “And as he said, ‘Because of that small lapse, while working with patients and nurses I had to keep my back to the walls of the clinic for the rest of the day. One of the hardest parts was that patients often bring family members into the treatment room and they sit wherever they please! What a day!”

The moral may be that, while it is not easy being a patient, we should all have some patience and understanding, as it is not always easy being a doctor.

*Would you like to receive my NEWSLETTER; ’The Juicy News” ? Sign up where you see the Blue Head Phones on the right side of this blog story on the original blog page: http://www.godisalwayshappy.com/blog

*If My True Life (this Blog) gives you a lift, please consider EMAILING it to your friends. You will keep me writing and that is good for my mental health. Better To Get These Weird Things Out Of Mind, Rather Than Keep Them In, right?

*Do you know the kind of work I do when I’m not busy having Adventures? Look here for details. THIS YEAR is a great time to have a phone reading with me!   Visit me at www.GodIsAlwaysHappy.com for rates and availability.

*You can also find me on Google+ under venus andrecht.  All lower case.


 

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The Good Doctor

Wednesday, February 13th, 2013

More About Gas Than You Want To Know?

I’m in my doctor’s office complaining about my gas.

“Ever since you put me on that heavy metal cleanser,” I say,  ”I have had terrible shooting gas. When I walk in parking lots, sometimes I find myself shooting out gas like a pipe organ pumps out music.”

My doctor turns from his computer and looks at me.

“I don’t like it,” I say.

My doctor looks pensive.

“Maybe I have a bacteria? Maybe I ate some bad lettuce?”

“No,” my doctor says. “You’re fine. Sometimes, even I have to leave the office and take a quick run around the parking lot to get rid of gas.”

“I’ve started eating fermented sauerkraut,” I say. “I read that if you have that exploding, rumbling kind of gas, that fermented foods will kill off the bad bacteria and make the gut more acidic.”

My doctor sighs a great big sigh.

“I think it’s helping,” I say.

“OK,” my doctor says, “I think I can tell you this.”

He turns toward me on his revolving stool where he’s been sitting while taking notes about me on the computer.

“A woman came in to see me, awhile back. She was about 57 and I had to do a PAP test on her. She was up on the table and just as she put her feet in the stirrups…”

I’m picturing this. The woman is naked and feeling fat and rolly under the flimsy white paper robe that doesn’t close. She’s cringing as she splays her dimpled legs apart and puts her feet into the cold, metal stirrups.  My doctor is sitting right in front of her, getting a great shot of the Grand Canyon, lit up under the bright sun of the medical lamp.

Her situation brings back my own memories of gynecological exams and I cringe, too.

My doctor is continuing, ” So, she’s just spread her legs and put her feet in the stirrups…and I’m sitting right there on the stool between those stirrups and she suddenly passes a huge, long gassy blast.”

Oh, my god. Right in the good Doctor’s face!

“And the poor woman turns beet red all over her body and she’s apologizing and apologizing and she’s in terrible agony about the lapse. I think about the situation for a minute and I do the only kind thing. I stand up and pass an enormous blast of gas that I have been saving up for my walk outside.”

Oh, my god. I begin whooping and laughing. This is my doctor!

“Immediately,” my doctor says, “the woman is laughing and she’s not embarrassed, anymore. The spell is broken. My nurse is in the room and she shrieks and says, ‘I’m getting out of here! I don’t want to be the 3rd person who passes gas!”

I’m now forgetting all about my personal gas problems. I’m laughing it all out.

Aside from an unexpectedly merry time, here’s what I take from this visit today:

It’s very important to choose a good doctor.

*Would you like to receive my NEWSLETTER; ‘The Juicy News” ? Sign up where you see the Blue Head Phones on the right side of this blog story.

*If My True Life (this Blog) gives you a lift, please consider EMAILING it to your friends. You will keep me writing and that is good for my mental health. Better To Get These Weird Things Out Of Mind, Rather Than Keep Them In, right?

*Do you know the kind of work I do when I’m not busy having Adventures? Look here for details. THIS YEAR is a great time to have a phone reading with me!   Visit me at www.GodIsAlwaysHappy.com for rates and availability.

*You can also find me on Google+ under venus andrecht.  All lower case.


 

 

 

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The Vixen At The Senior Center

Wednesday, February 6th, 2013

The Senior Center. Can You Spot The Vixen Who Is ‘A Bitch’?

It’s 2:30 PM and I am taking a nap. I am sleeping so hard and deep that I am slobbering on my bed pillow.

Here is why I have slung myself across the bed and slammed into sleep in mid-afternoon when I should be working.

It’s because today I went to lunch at the local Senior Center.

Why? Because the lady who took care of my mother when she was ill, is between jobs.

“I’m scared,” she says. “I need a good Care-Giving job or I won’t be able to keep living in your mother’s house and I am even having trouble buying food.”

One of the problems with Care-Giving is that the old people you care for, often die. Then, you ‘re out of a job.

But, guess what.

I have a ‘Brilliant’ Idea.

“Let’s go to the Senior Center for lunch,” I say. “Mom went there and she had friends and I know some of the people. We can talk to folks and tell them how wonderful you are and that you’re looking for work. They may know someone who needs your help.”

Sonja thinks this is a terrific idea.

However, she can only go this Friday and that is the day they are having beef tostadas, rice, beans and a kiwi. Ugh. Oh well. I was hoping for a fried chicken day with mashed potatoes and fancy iced cake.

“OK,” I say. “They have generally great food and it’s only $4.00. Let’s do it.”

It is 80 degrees and Sonja wears a pink fluffy coat that pleases her platinum blonde hair. She is from Michigan and it’s winter and in winter you wear coats.

Sonja is a very pretty woman.

The lady at the desk in the Senior Center takes my $4 for Senior Lunch and says to me, “Are you a Senior?”

I fall in love with her.

I almost want to pay her the extra dollar for the Younger People’s Lunch.

We survey the room but are directed to a table at the back. The bridge players get the best tables.

On our way to our table I introduce Sonja to the Man Who Runs The Place.  I mention that she is looking for a Care-Giver’s position. He asks for her card.

I whisper, “He knows everyone here. He can get you work.”

When we get to our table it is our misfortune that we are sitting with a man who yells every word he says and slaps every sentence with a blistering laugh and a holler.

I get a headache almost immediately.

We introduce ourselves to our table mates and mention that Sonja was my mother’s Wonderful Care-Taker and that she is now looking for work.

A woman I happen to know at the next table, over hears me and trots to my side.

Grabbing the back of my chair, Kelli leans toward Sonja and says, “You’ll never get any work here. The Guy Who Runs The Place is having a ‘Thing’ with Carrie Smith. She gets all the work.”

Really?

“Who is Carrie Smith?” I ask.

Kelli hisses and points to a plain, older and stooped lady at another table. She doesn’t look like a vixen to me.

“She’s a Bitch!” Kelli hisses. “She’s dumber than a sack of rocks!” (more…)

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