My sister Polly calls me, breathless about something.
“Venus” she says, “you have to drive me down the mountain to the hospital. There’s a bird in the van and I have to bring him home. And, I have to drive the van home, too!”
It’s 5:30 PM. I am naked, wrapped in an old bathrobe, and lying on my bed. I am tired.
“What bird?” I ask. “What van? Why is the bird at the hospital?”
Polly always says whatever is in her head at the moment and she seems to assume that you have been in there with her and have been following along.
“Well, the bird can’t stay in the van,” says Polly, reasonably. “I’m coming right over to get you.”
Now I won’t get to eat dinner or watch the news or take a rest. And, I can’t go down the mountain naked. I will have to get dressed.
“Polly, you aren’t making any sense,” I say. “How did some bird get to the hospital in a van?”
Okay, Dear Readers, I will spare you what I went through trying to get the full story. But, before I got the gist and the punchline, I did end up screaming and shouting because Polly kept throwing out the details in no order whatsoever.
I will save your patience and tell you what happened and why and how a hunting raptor with heavy, sharp talons and a thick yellow beak, wearing a brown cloth hood, ended up in a white van at the hospital an hour away from us.
Polly’s forty-year-old son, Josh, has fallen off a two story hotel roof.
Yes, that’s what has happened and now I suppose you want to know the rest of the story.
The owner of a fancy pink hotel in the swankiest city in the county asks Josh to go up on the roof with his hunting bird, unlace the bird from the leather on his wrist, and let the raptor fly. Other birds are terrified of hunting birds. The raptor by his mere presence will scare off all the pigeons and seagulls on the roof.
These pink hotel birds are actively, persistently, and on purpose, pooping big bird splats on the hotel’s high society guests down below and the guests don’t like it. They don’t like hearing the birds laugh about it, either.
It seems an easy and fun fix all the way around for the hotel and for Josh. Josh and the bird go onto the roof of the second story hotel, the birds see the raptor, and they all take off and find another hotel where they can hang over the roof edges and poop on other people.
Josh does his bird work on the roof. When he is finished, he balances his bird on his leather clad wrist, puts the tight little hood over his friend and walks to the door that leads back into the hotel.
Someone has locked the door while all the Bird Business was going on!
Josh tries to get the attention of people on the street. That doesn’t work and he thinks, “Umm…how will I get down from here? It’s pretty high up. Two stories. Oh. I know. Here’s a fire escape on the outside of the wall. It leads right down to the street. Super cool.”
He hoists himself, with bird attached, onto the pink fire escape. The metal grinds loudly and swings outwards and upwards, suddenly snaps merrily off the wall, and sails to the far ground below.
I guess you know that Josh and the bird go with it?
So now you can understand why there is a white van with a bird in it at the hospital. It’s because Josh is there and he is in the hospital!
It’s all so simple really. Why did I have to scream and shout before Polly finally got to the punch line?
The bird is fine. Josh snapped his achilles tendon in two and will be moribund for awhile but he and the bird are alive and generally in fine shape.
I just wish my sister would start at the beginning of a story. What does she think, that I am telepathic or something?? Hahaha… which brings me to: This month is a perfect time for a phone reading with me! Visit me at www.GodIsAlwaysHappy.com for rates and availability.