“I’m in love with the most wonderful man. I’m infatuated. I’m over the moon. He is the sweetest man; he treats me better than any man I’ve ever had in my life…..But…well. I’m suffering terribly, Venus. He’s…he’s married.”
Thud. A wildly beating heart turns to stone and hits the street.
I talk to a lot of women who are in love with and or in relationships with married men. And, I talk to married women who don’t always think their cheating husbands are the Most Wonderful Men In The World. And, I talk to cheating husbands! And cheating wives. And cheating same sex couples.
‘Ellie’ has a deep crush on her married, handsome gardner. “He is a genius of artistic design. He and I can talk about everything. We are simpatico. He spends hours at my house and gives me the most wonderful hugs. I think he is bored with his wife.”
Ellie pants and pines for ‘Howard’ for a year. She and I talk, often. I look into the fellow’s mind. Often. He’s a decent guy. The two of them have never crossed The Line. Unless you call spending Christmas Eve with her drinking red wine and eating cheese, crossing the line. He leads her on, but seemingly doesn’t know he’s leading. Ellie is frustrated. She reads my book, “Certain Men.” She tells me, ‘I promise Venus, I will not suffer over this man.” And, she doesn’t. At least not too much….
After the Christmas Closeness she doesn’t see or hear from Howard for 3 1/2 months. He just stops coming around to check her roses. It’s hard, but Ellie chooses not to think and obsess over him. She chooses not to suffer.
One day he shows up.
“And Venus he gave me the same big hugs and wiggles and great chat…and, I felt nothing. I was bored. Bored! I thought, “…ehhh.”
She laughs and says, “I’m so glad I didn’t spend the last 3 1/2 months crying and whining around about him! I would be so mad now if I had wasted my time doing that.”
Another lady I chat with is in love with her youngish married washing machine repair man. The machine keeps breaking down and the man keeps coming around to fix it. Every time ‘Laura’ and I have a session she is obsessing and slobbering about the man.
“He’s so handsome. He’s so young. He’s a Greek god. We talk for hours. He’s so sexy, I just know if we go to bed together it’s going to be the best sex of our lives and since I am 65 years old now it may be the last sex I ever have!”
Months go by. I don’t know if the machine keeps breaking down on it’s own or if Laura is kicking it daily and washing crayons and cat fur in it.
“He tells me he isn’t happily married, Venus. He says he and his wife never have sex. They have 2 little kids and she says no more sex for her.”
Finally, when Laura and I are almost worn out by the Handsome Greek god, she and the man finally, do ‘The Deed’.
“So, how was it?” I ask when we chat.
“Boring,” she says. “Just nothing. I could have done a better job, myself.”
Laura stops suffering.
‘Lacey’ is happily married but craves her husband’s best friend. The best friend craves her, too. Oh my, the Angst and the Drama.
The happy suffering. Finally, after several years, the hot, consuming interest finally fuffles out and fades away. Lacey is left feeling disoriented and wondering where she was those 2 years. She says she has missed a lot in her life with her good husband and her kids because she wasn’t paying them any attention.
‘Sybil’ is single but she only has married boyfriends. It is always the same. The man is wonderful, prosperous, powerful and he’s madly in love with her until she wants more from him, when she demands that he leave his wife and he won’t do it. And then she suffers until she finds a new married man who is wonderful, prosperous and powerful.
‘Jenna’ is single and also falls in love with married men. They are always of a different nationality and color, just to spice things up even more than they already are. The love is hot and heavy. Until Jenna wants him to leave his wife. And, then the man leaves her. And she is heartbroken until she finds another married man just like the others.
And ‘Joe’ is in love with ‘Harvey’ who has a long running romantic relationship with a fellow he lives with.
But, Joe and Harvey make out every day in the back room at Cost Co where they work. Joe wants me to tell him that Harvey will leave his lover and be with him. I look into Harvey’s head and tell Joe that Harvey is a ‘player.’ That he just does these kind of things. Joe doesn’t want me to say that. He wants me to say that Harvey will find him irresistible. And he suffers.
“Make out if you want to,” I say, “but accept what it is. Enjoy yourself, but don’t delude yourself. Don’t suffer.”
And then there is ‘Sara’. She has been married 30 years and has had the same married boyfriend for 30 years!! They tryst in his fishing shack. She never suffers, except once when she called me because he stopped speaking to her. She wanted me to go in his head and find out why and fix it. Well, she found out why and it’s fixed and she is back to happily meeting her lover in the fishing shack.
What’s the point of what I’m telling you?
That whatever or whom ever we choose to have in our life, for whatever reasons…we don’t need to judge ourselves. God Loves All Experiences, remember?
But, we can stop suffering if we want to.
Whatever the choices you make and the people you choose to dance with, I always suggest the same thing: “Stop suffering. Just don’t suffer. When you see the man or the woman, love every moment. When you don’t see them or talk to them or they aren’t texting…keep them in a little pink ribbon wrapped box with the lid closed and locked. Only take the person out when you hear from them. Then put them back. When you stop suffering you have your freedom. If you feel pain, feel it and let it slide past or through you. Don’t hang on to it. Feel it, see it, yell or beat the wall…and then consider it gone. Turn your mind to riding race horses, drinking wine or knitting caps for grasshoppers.