How Embarrassing

The Watermelon In The Compost Pile

Yippee! There’s a volunteer watermelon growing in the compost pile! The fruit is round, it’s big and green and gorgeous.

There’s a family party at my house today on Labor Day and Bill and I can’t wait to show the melon to our large family. We’ve been talking to each other about this lucky melon for days. Won’t people be surprised and envious?!

The family includes my Great Aunt Ruby and three of my 3rd cousins who I don’t know well. We’ll show them how great country living can be! Melons growing like gold in the garbage dump out back!

In fact, everyone will be impressed when we drag all 30 people out to see our prize. And then…and then, we will pick it... and bring it around to the front of the house. Then, with Ceremony we will cut it up and all of us will eat watermelon for Labor Day!

Here’s what really happens:

We force everyone out back to meet The Melon. We’re exclaiming over our good fortune to have watermelons growing so unexpectedly. Crowing about how lucky we are.

We point to the big melon with pride.

But, you know…there’s always a Party Pooper at every party.

Someone says, “Damn. That’s not a melon.”

The crowd presses forward.

A cousin steps up, leans over and yanks the melon from it’s nest.


What the hell is it?


Venus With The Wild Watermelon

How embarrassing.

Maybe it’s a ‘Wild’ Watermelon?

Everyone is laughing and hooting at our melon.

We carry it out front. I hold it in my lap.

What can it be? Everyone has their loud opinion.

Bill snatches the watermelon from my grasp. He wants to hold it.

People are hooting at us and making foul comments about the paternity of the melon and how could we have actually believed we had watermelons growing out back!?

They want to see what’s inside it. They want Bill to prove it’s a watermelon.


Bill Has A Bad Finger. Arthritis.

Bill suddenly snaps. Clutching the big melon, he jumps from his chair, runs to and climbs up the metal stairs to the roof deck on my house.

He’s been drinking. Most of us have been, and frankly, we haven’t stopped.

High in the blue sky above us, Bill holds the melon up over his head.

“You want to see what’s inside this?!” he shouts. “Do you? We’ll find out what it is!”

We’re all shrieking and running as he slams the melon to the concrete below.

My Daughter, Summer…Rushing To Inspect The Wild Melon

Well…it’s not a watermelon.

We Were Fooled By A Compost Watermelon!

I believe this is the biggest acorn squash I have ever seen.

How embarrassing.

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