JANUARY 27TH, SUNDAY 2008 ‘THE BATTERED BUTT’

My daughter tells me, “I feel like I have been pummeled all over. My butt feels battered. I bet no one mentions a battered butt as a symptom of this cold-flu thing.”

I’m in sympathy as I too feel pretty wretched.

I baby-sat my 2 grandkids recently and apparently Lexi was incubating the latest strain of raging influenza. Shortly, we all go down like 9 pins; Lexi, her mother Summer, her brother Loch and me. Her dad falls head first into the mess with us a day or two, later.

Have you noticed how kid’s germs are so much more potent then that of adults? Lexi’s latest preschool is larger by far then her previous one. This means a more generous patter of germs are brought home and passed around like peppermints in a candy dish.

My sister Polly is a grandmother, too. Her fortune, (and her misfortune,) is that two of her little kids live next door to her.

Polly used to have a debilitating phobia; a fear of vomiting. Vomiting freaked her out but she seemed to attract it. Wherever she went, people would throw up around her.

Somehow, through strength of will, she had not allowed herself to vomit in thirty years!
That all changed when she got grandkids. She threw up so many times that she finally got over the phobia. She had to unwillingly face the toilet so often that the immersion therapy cured her.

I’m telling Summer that I’ve had to throw my latest medicinal nasal oil away.
Summer knows that I believe if you stuff oil up your nose it keeps the bugs out and you are immune to colds and flu.

She’s here the day I grab my little jar of sesame oil off the bathroom counter and jab globs of it up my nose, way into my sinuses.
I happen to put my glasses on after the fact and look down into the oil. I start screaming and moaning. There in the oil, float gobs of black mold and balls of fuzzy white growths.

“Oh no!! I’ve jammed mold and fungus up my nose and into my head! Oh my God, I have mold and fungus in my sinuses!”

“Geez Mother, I’ve told you, putting all that oil up your nose is a dumb idea,” Summer says sympathetically.

……

Now, with the latest mixed herbal oil, hoping to feel better with this cold, I’ve been shoving an eyedropper of the stuff up my nose.
Today, this morning, I feel better. I even feel great. In fact, the cold didn’t go into my nose and sinus. It stayed in my throat and punched my body up for awhile, then left. What a lucky break.

‘Good job Oil,’ I think as I get ready for bed. ‘In fact, let’s put some more oil up the nose for prevention purposes!’

I suck up some oil with the dropper and shoot it up both nostrils.

Arrrgh. Big mistake and too late!

Immediately, my sinuses start to sting and burn. ‘Oh no,’ I realize. ‘I’ve just inoculated myself with those flu germs, again!’

Bright me. Keep stuffing the dropper up your nose when you’re sick and put it back in the bottle. Then, when you’re mainly well, re-infect yourself, again, with the germs your body just beat back. Very clever.

I have a terrible night with my nose and sinus and a terrible 3 and 4 days after. The germs proliferate and move back into my throat and into my chest. They run rampant, bolder then ever.

“So,” Summer asks me later when she hears about what I have done to myself, “are you through putting oil up your nose?”

Of course not!! I’ll just refrigerate it from now on, and won’t let the dropper touch my nose.

Summer thinks I’m a slow learner and a bit daft, but I know that once I perfect my oil treatment, I won’t be getting anymore colds or flu or battered butt syndromes.
And, just who will be laughing then?


contact me now to get a reading CONTACT NOW