My Enema Adventure

“If I Were A Dragon Fly..I Would Bite These People..And Go Home!”

Will this New Adventure be as messy as my Enema Adventure or The Emergency Hospital Adventure In Palm Springs?

As you’re reading this, I am having another Adventure. This time I’m in Napa with grammar school friends, (hopefully) enjoying a Wine Drinking Vacation.

After last year’s incident my 6 women friends strictly warned me that I must promise I would do nothing odd or eccentric, ever again, 2 months before our yearly trip together. They know how I am.

Too bad they missed out on my Enema Vacation. 

This is a ‘vacation’ that I took alone. I drove to Sonoma, California several years ago to get Ayurvedic treatments in an Indian couple’s home.

For a hefty sum they promised steam baths, herbal nasal drops, herbal mud baths, oil dripping onto my 3rd eye, tub soaks, gruel and enemas. Sounded good to me!

Here’s how it went:

Their home is very well hidden I can tell you, as I’ve spent 4 hours trying to find them once I reach their town. Part of that time I am on top of a mountain that has nothing to do with where I am headed.

When I finally careen into their driveway and into their house, I am reeking of sweat, confusion, frustration and piss-off-edness.

Immediately, the husband has me pee in a dish. We  take the dish outside and examine the pee in the sun. It looks like pee to me.

‘Dr.’ A puts a drop of oil in the pee.

“Ah ha!” he says, “Way too much pitta! Very hot! Very frantic! We must calm your pitta.”

And so we begin.

Most of the time I am naked.

Here is my story in brief..but believe me, instead of 6 days it feels like 600. Here’s the routine:

I’m staying in an old motel that happens to have electric wires and poles right over my roof. Good Fortune is evident, already.

I arrive at the couple’s home at 7AM every morning.

Walk down stairs, take all my clothes off, lie down on the massage table, under a sheet.

I look at the ceiling, look around the room at the sweat box, all the oils and herbals on a long table, look at the ceiling.

Here they come.

The man and wife whip the sheet off my body. The wife stands on the right side, Dr. A on the left. They each have a large bowl of red mud.

They begin to slather me, top to bottom, back and front, with the sloppy mud. When they get to my legs they lift them up in the air and slather all the shadowed regions.

I think, “Oh well..this is good for me.”

When I’m well slathered, they wrap me up in the sheet.

Dr. A. leaves the room.

Wife tips my head back and puts herbal drops up my nose.

I choke.

Wife says, “Just rest. We’ll be back soon.”

It seems like hours go by. I itch. I’m wrapped up tightly with no way to scratch.

I look at the ceiling. I itch. I have to pee.

More time goes by. I think I will pee on the table. I itch. I itch. I want to pee. I look at the ceiling.

Oh thank god, here they come.

They unwrap me and I run naked to the bathroom. I see myself in a long mirror.

Oh my god, what a terrible sight.

Back on the table, get the mud sponged off.

Now, into the sweat box that is much too hot and my heart is palpitating.

Out of the box and onto the table for the best part. The Herbal Enema.

Lie on my side, butt side to Dr. A. He sticks a tube in my rear end and starts the bag of liquid.

Oh my god, I can’t hold it.

“Hold it!” he says.

I can’t hold it. It and everything else goes all over the table.

Oh my god, I am so embarrassed.

They give up.

I run to the toilet. Many explosions are heard throughout the land.

I go to the bathtub and get into the hot water. Dr. A has me lean back while he spends way too much time dripping oil on my 3rd eye between my eyebrows.

Oh my god, I have to go to the bathroom, again!

I’m back in the water. I feel weak.

It’s almost over.

Finally, I am released to take a shower.

I get dressed. Haul myself upstairs by the banister.

Wife has a bowl of lunch gruel for me. I am too weak to eat.

Say ‘good-bye, see you tomorrow’ (for more torture.)

Each day it’s the same thing. The very same results. I itch. I lie alone for hours. I can never hold the enema; I lose it on the table. My heart palpitates. I’m weak. I cry.

I hate it.

I call my daughter and tell her how much I am suffering.

“Come home!” she says.

“I can’t!” I whine. “I paid for this.”

I tell myself that this latest Health Adventure has cured me of ever having more Health Adventures.

Of course, that’s a lie and aren’t you glad? Isn’t it kind of pleasant to know and read about someone who does these kinds of dumb things over and over and never seems to learn?

We all need a few people in our lives who are like this, to make us feel better about our own dumb areas.

But, I’ll tell ‘ya… I’m getting tired of being the ‘dumb’ one in your life. But, I don’t know if I can stop myself..it’s a big Quirk! I may have to be the Dumb One in your life, forever.

*Do you know the kind of work I do when I’m not busy having Adventures? Look here for details. It’s a great time to have a phone reading with me!   Visit me at www.GodIsAlwaysHappy.com for rates and availability.


 

 

 

 

 

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