Posts Tagged ‘ anus ’

Too Outrageous For A Title

Tuesday, June 5th, 2012

Ah Glorious Grape..I Won't Be Seeing You For Awhile

My doctor of Oriental medicine tells me I need to breathe through my anus.

I am kind of surprised.

He tells me my Chi is stuck in my head and chest. He says I need to pull it down and out of my body. He says the way to do that is by breathing through my anus.

I’m silent.

My doctor and I work over the phone. I have put him in charge of my health and am finding I have taken on another full time job.

No more wine, coffee, tea, alcohol, gluten, grains or dairy.

Only water and healthy meats and mainly above-ground organic vegetables while we straighten me out.

I have become a self-involved health-minded prissy girl who has lost twelve pounds.

I may look good but my personality feels like it’s snoozing somewhere. I’m boring.

Well…maybe not. Maybe breathing through my anus will make me even more interesting through this time period.

Actually, let’s call that attempting to breathe through my anus.

When I call my daughter and tell her I’ve been instructed to breathe through my anus. she says, ‘Well Mom, you already know how to breathe out through your anus. It’s called a fart. How hard can breathing in be?”

She has a point. (more…)


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