Posts Tagged ‘ bill ’

Bill Scares Snake In His Underpants

Wednesday, August 1st, 2012

“Why are you out here in your underpants?” Karl wants to know

Here’s Bill in his baggy white underpants, barefoot with a dead tree branch in his hand. It’s dark. It’s late. He and I are outside hunting for a snake. I have a flashlight the size of a pencil in my hand.

I’d gone looking for my big, red maine coon cat in his large, covered cat yard. Karl hadn’t made his usual squeaking noises when I opened his wire door and called for him to come with me into the house.

All I have is that tiny flashlight in the late dark and I can’t find Karl. I thrash through the tall zinnias and point the light into the spiky, yellow wild primroses. Nope. Not here. I trip a bit and grab the side of the wire yard just in time. Then I look under Karl’s favorite bush. Nope.

“Here Kitty, Kitty Karl…here Kitty!”

Ahhh, here he is crouched next to the wire, staring intently at something. I’m saying, “…Hey, Karl…what’s up?”

Well, what’s up is a snake! Curled up! On the other side of the wire.

Oh boy. I look but I can’t see if it’s a small rattler or a friendly snake.

…And, I’m worried because every night Karl insists he has to spend all night out here.

A few days ago, I saw coyote tracks in the soft dirt beside the yard. And, now a snake. The yard is covered on top with chicken wire but with enough patience something could dig under the yard wire. Or slide through the wire holes.

I have to get Bill. He’s in his studio and probably asleep, but this is serious. (more…)

Bladder Is Fine, Tea Kettle Not So Good

Monday, April 16th, 2012

The Dangerous, Angry Tea Kettle

My sister Polly  (“It’s Another Fine Mess”) tells me  that a person needs to pee before they get in a car. Her friend Connie the Paramedic (“Who Ministers to God?”) tells her when you are in a car accident, and you have a full bladder, the bladder blows up.

“Before you get in a car  to go anywhere,” Polly says, “you must always pee.”

I tell Polly I always do that and I make sure everyone around me pees so we don’t have to pee when we are on the road.

Polly has taken a strong pain pill she needs because of constant neck pain. She is flying very high and happy on the medicine. She is talking so fast on the phone there is no way I can break in to make comments or ask questions.

Finally, I manage to thank my sister for the critically and medically important blown bladder  information and say that I will pass it on.

This is an interesting day.

I wake up with a stinging rash across my chest and back, and I feel nauseous with pains in my stomach. Later, my tax man calls and says I owe $20,000! Twenty-thousand dollars! I had planned on $8,000. I heave a sigh, double over with the pain in my stomach, and sink into a deep chair  by the fire. It is raining too—great gusts and swipes of driving rain and hail. (more…)

Bill Plays Bathroom Roulette

Tuesday, March 27th, 2012

"Bill Playing Bathroom Roulette"



“My head missed the toilet bowl by a hair,” Bill says. “If my head had hit it, it could have killed me.”

Bill has opened the door from his studio that leads into my house. He’s standing in the doorway just looking at me.

He looks like he has a confession. He does.

“Yeah?” I say. “What? What are you talking about?”

“When I cleaned the bathroom yesterday morning,” he says, “the mop fell sideways to the floor, right in front of the toilet. I let it lie. I thought, ‘I’ll remember it’s there.'” (more…)

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