Posts Tagged ‘ cupcakes ’

Another Weird Vacation But All’s Well That Ends Well

Wednesday, October 2nd, 2013

 

Venus Ready To Leave ER, Looking 100% Better!

As you can see, I recovered.

This is the start of my 3 week vacation. While sitting on the front porch, something stings me. My whole body catches fire. I immediately jump up and say intensely, “I have to go to the ER right now.”

I call my sister Polly and she races me in her car, down the mountain. My entire body blows up with hives and blisters and everything swells, including my face and lips. Polly says there is a yellow band over the top of my lips. I am the color of a boiled red lobster. As Polly and the ER doctor are later quick to tell me, “You look dreadful!”

Polly loves medical stuff. I hate medical stuff. I have a Doctor and Disease Phobia. Polly has a Doctor and Disease Crush and Delight Phobia.

My entire life I have tried to stay totally away from doctors and hospitals and all those connections.

As we tear down the mountain, Polly reminds me how very delightful I am.

“You’re moaning and you can’t hold still. You’re itching violently and you can’t even close your hands and you keep saying, “Faster! Faster! Hurry, hurry, get me to the hospital! Pass that truck. How much farther? Where the hell is that hospital! ”

Polly is tender hearted but she can’t help but notice my sudden change of heart about the medical profession.

Later, after I live, she tells me she thinks my words and demands were hysterical for someone who dreads this kind of thing…that I was begging to get to the hospital and the doctors!

We both get a lot of laughs off this one.

 

My Sister Polly Having A Wonderful Time With Venus At The ER

Polly has a wonderful time as the hospital. She loves doctors, hospitals, diseases and all medical things. Here she is leaning on my bed, with her little medical sticker , watching me swell and thrash as she enjoys herself.

Periodically, she calls out my heart rate and blood pressure and comments on my condition. This is not helpful.

 

Venus As ‘Marilyn Monroe’ With Cupcake Friend, Brenda

I do recover. Recovery is in time to rickety off to my vacation in Seattle with my Cup Cake Sisters. We 7 ladies have been friends since Grammar School and they don’t fail me, now. I’m still wobbly and having some recurrent red episodes and freaking out but they talk me down and don’t make me cook or do dishes.

So, with this vacation I’ve had a Near Death Experience and the love and concern of all my sisters, including Polly. Truly, all is well that ends well.

But hey…I don’t know if I have the nuts to take another vacation.

 

“THE DEAR VENUS SHOW: All Show Times and Ways to Listen

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The CupCake Girls

Wednesday, September 26th, 2012

 

“We Call Ourselves ‘The Cupcake Girls”

My women friends drive me by the tall hospital in Napa.  The hospital has an enormous gold, florescent Jesus hanging on the south side of the building.

They say, “Take note. Here’s where Emergency is if it comes to it, Venus.”

We’re on our annual trip to Somewhere. This year my grammar school chums and I are in Napa, California, The Wine Country.

We like to call ourselves “The Cupcakes,” for no logical reason except we manage to drink a lot of Cupcake Wine.

Happily, the hospital isn’t needed. There are no disasters like last year’s  incident . I am, however, almost knocked down the steeply sloping driveway of our rented house by a heavy errant suitcase.  I grab Darice’s leg just in time to short the fall.

Here’s who The Cupcakes are:

Brenda has very rare blood. She has never had a cold or a flu in her entire life. Her blood has something in it that kills all viruses. She is also very hot blooded and must have our room, house, or car temperature at 60 degrees or less. Much less is much better.

Because of this need for an icy temperature, on our trips I always wear a fleece jacket and a flannel nightgown. Sometimes worn together and sometimes not. Not 24/7 but close.

Darice fills us full of ice cream candies and bags of chocolates. She cooks a lot of wonderful meals.

Patti does back exercises and doesn’t eat GMO.

Nancee sings.

Lancey always sees the Bright Side and Chips does a good job of looking after me. She knows if she doesn’t, we may be meeting that Golden Jesus.

Here’s what we do: We walk, talk, eat, drink and visit wineries.

We fall in love with tall “Waseem,” our young waiter at the Italian restaurant. He has lots of good straight teeth. He tells us how to cook salmon.

“Take a piece of salmon. Coat the flesh side with olive oil. Put it olive oil side down in a very hot, iron frying plan.

“Watch it. When the oil side is nice and crispy put a lid on the pan and take it off the stove. It’s best to have a glass lid so you can watch the fish cooking from bottom to top.

“Don’t let it overcook. When you see the pink flesh turn whitish, it’s done.”

We laugh a lot on this trip.

Unfortunately, I can’t tell you what we laugh about because we spill our secrets to each other. If I told you the girl’s secrets you can bet I would be bounced from the friendly group.

However, I can spill my secrets. I tell the Cupcakes the story about the butter knife. (I have this story in the book I wrote called Certain Men)

“Remember, Joe?” I say. “He was my first date. We went to a Valentine’s dance.”

Everyone remembers Joe. He was very popular and we are all still in touch with him in one way or another. (We were a very small school.)

“Well,” I continue, “He got married but was really unhappy.”

The girls give me a collective stare.

“I know that because he was always calling me and would take me out for lunch and car rides for years. We never kissed. I don’t think we ever had a kiss. He just wanted to be with me and tell me his troubles and pretend that he would rather be with me.”

There is now collective shock.

“I kept telling him, ‘If you are so unhappy then why don’t you leave? If you want to date me you will have to leave your wife because I don’t fiddle and fool with married men.'”

Finally, he left his wife and started dating me.

Now, the girls express big shock and great gasps.

“He would take me to lunch and dinner,” I tell them,”but I still wouldn’t kiss him. I told him that I wasn’t going to be the girl he suddenly ran around with and had sex with, that he needed to do that with other women. He needed to get that out of his system” I say. “However,” I add,  “he disagreed.”

“One day at dinner in Charlie’s Cafe he was acting odd and I said, ‘What’s up?” He said, “I need to see other women’.”

“He acted like he had just thought the idea up on his own!

“I said to him, ‘Ok…. that’s what I’ve been telling you.'” But, it still kind of hurt my feelings.

“After dinner, he took me home. I invited him in for tea.

“While the tea water boiled, Joe began chasing me around the center island in my kitchen. He had a hard-on the size of a large banana.

“I was yelling, ‘I mean it, Joe, I’m not the girl who you’re going to practice on.'”

“Around and around that center isle we went.

“Finally, I grabbed a butter knife from a drawer. Whenever Joe got too close, I would whack his banana with that butter knife. He seemed to like it. That butter knife made his wheels spin even faster!”

The Cupcakes are hysterical with laughter. They never dreamed that Joe and I were having this semi-romance all these years and that I would eventually whack his penis with a butter knife.

Joe is happily married now, but I sometimes wonder if he misses me and that butter knife.

I’m having such a good time in the Wine Country. The more crap I eat and drink, the better I feel.

My daughter, meanwhile, is at Glen Ivy  teaching a seminar for 3 days while I’m up in Napa. Late one evening  I text her to ask her if she is “staying overnight at Glen Ivy Hot Springs.”

My text comes through as “Are you home now or staying overbite at ibuprofen?

She texts back, “Huh?”

I remind her that she needs to take breaks from people, that she needs to go to her room and eat and rest. I say, “I am not kidding.”

My text reads “Obama not kidding!.

“Agreed!!!!” Summer answers. ” I know Obama not kidding, too!!”

I lie down and go to sleep. This Napa Vacation is 100 percent better than the trip to Palm Springs or my Enema Adventure!

*Do you know the kind of work I do when I’m not busy having Adventures? Look here for details. It’s a great time to have a phone reading with me!   Visit me at www.GodIsAlwaysHappy.com for rates and availability.

CUPCAKES, CANDY AND RAT MAN.

Friday, February 20th, 2009

Mother and I are having a glass of wine. We’re sitting inside her home at the ratty round table in her dining area. I have just swept off a pile of really old papers, used napkins, envelopes, pencils, dead flowers and dry cat food. Mother removes her dog Becky’s box of dog cookies, “Which she won’t eat,” my mother says. “She just likes to carry the cookies around the house.”

Mom tells me how her fluffy black cat Josie, the one I found abandoned while out walking, is bringing dead field rabbits into her bedroom almost every day and she and Becky the Dog tear them apart and eat them, just outside Mom’s clothes closet.

This is nothing to be concerned about.

I mention that I have just finished baby sitting my six year old granddaughter Lexi for five days.

“We went to Jimbo’s one day; you know the organic grocery store where everything is so high class and so expensive. Lexi saw some cupcakes in the bakery case and desperately wanted one.”

Mom smiles and nods.

“Well, you know her mom doesn’t let her eat sweets, so it’s a special deal when she gets something like that. Lexi keeps pressing her face to the glass case and gazing at those chocolate cupcakes. And begging me to relent and get one for her.”

Mother says, “Oh, I like chocolate.”

“Yes, and so does Lexi. And these cupcakes are swirled and piled really high with bright pink frosting. Lexi’s beside herself with desire, so finally I say, ‘OK, you can have one.’ She then immediately starts twrilling in the isle and spinning with delight. ‘Oh thank you Baba! Oh thank you Baba!'”

Mom nods again and smiles.

“Well, the nice lady behind the counter pulls out the plate of cupcakes and lets Lexi choose the biggest, most gigantic one with the most frosting. The lady puts it in a special see-through plastic box with a shiny red bow tie. Lexi wants to eat the cupcake right away but I insist we pay for it first!”

“So, it takes about twenty minutes to finish shopping and get to the car and the whole time Lexi is gazing fondly at that cake, smiling and laughing and is so excited she’s practically mad with wanting it.”

Mom is still smiling and nodding. She knows there must be some reason why I am drawing out this really mundane, boring story about a cupcake.

“We get in the car and I tell Lexi, ‘OK, you can eat it now,’ and I turn the car onto the freeway. Next thing I know, Lexi lets loose this outraged screech! I am so startled I almost jack the car over the center line. 

“‘What’s wrong, Lexi?!”

Lexi howls. And howls. And howls. She sounds like a wild cat.

“Lexi, I can’t help you, I’m driving! What is it?”

Lexi is choking with sobs. “The frosting tastes bad, Baba! I hate it. I hate it. It’s bad, Baba.”

She shoves the cupcake over my shoulder. I lean down and take a bite.

Oh my gosh. It’s cream cheese frosting. It’s not that wonderful swirled pile of sugar that Lexi thought she was getting. That mound of sugar that she had begged for, the sugar that she rarely gets. She had been so delighted with her good fortune and now thisthis imposter!

My mother is sympathetic as I continue the story. 

“Lexi just keeps sobbing. She can’t get over being deceived by that cupcake.

I tell her things like, ‘Well, you can’t judge a book by it’s cover.’ Which makes no sense to her, so I try and explain, but that’s futile.

And I say ‘Well this is a lesson that everything that looks good or like gold, isn’t always’. And, ‘There are many disappointments in life.’

Lexi isn’t open to Life Lessons right now. None of this preachy talk has any effect on her emotional disappointment and her wrenching sobs so you know what I have to do. I have to eat that damn cupcake because you can’t waste food, especially anything chocolate. And, Lexi sobs loudly for most of the drive home.”

“Did you give her some chocolate ice cream when you got home?” my mother asks.

“No. I gave her a popsicle. An all natural lime popsicle with no sugar.”

Now, my mother looks disappointed.

Then, she brightens up. “You know,” she says, “I had a big bag of peanut candies and I ate a bunch the other day and I got really, really sick. I’ve had diarrhea before but this was different. It was bad. I was terribly ill.”

I suck air. “You ate peanut candy!? Mom, don’t you know that all these people have been getting salmonella from peanut products because of that filthy plant that had to shut down recently? People are dying from peanut products Mother, old people, especially 86 year old people  and you’re eating peanut candy?”

“Yes,” Mom says. “And, the next day I ate some more.  And I got really, really sick again, so than I threw the bag away.”

I put my head down on the table top. I spend a lot of time putting my head down on table tops because of  my family.

“And, how is Rat Man,” I ask, just to change the subject.

Rat Man is what mother calls the pest control man who was hired to rid her house of ants and spiders and other crawlies. (Dead rabbits and squirrels in the house are OK.)

The last time he was here, I was visiting Mom. She casually mentioned to me that she had had no heat or hot water and the gas stove hadn’t worked either, for more than 24 hours!

“Gads! Mother,” I remember whining, “why don’t you mention these things?”

I run outside and get Rat Man.

“Can you help us, please?” I say. “Would you look at Mom’s water heater and see if the pilot light blew out?”

Rat Man is a young guy and quite amiable about helping old ladies, it turns out.

“Sure,” he says. “Where is it?”

I grab Mother and we waffle and whiffle down the porch steps together in a very strong wind.

The water heater, it turns out, is screwed in behind a metal door on the outside of her metal trailer!

Rat Man looks at the door. There must be fifteen tiny screws in that metal door, screwed tight into that metal trailer.

Eeeh gads. Is this a job for Rat Man? He only kills vermin. But, he has his ego and his honor to think of.

He finds a screw driver in his car and begins to turn the screws. It takes a very long time and did I mention that big, icy cold, stiff, raging wind we three are standing in?

Finally, the door is off and oh my gosh, the webs and spiders. Rat Man will need to add some extra squirts of pestie paste in here.

He leans down and into the mess, looking for the pilot light. It’s a hard find. Mother and I are hanging over his shoulders, one on each side.

Rat Mans find the pilot. Rat Man takes a match out of his poket…did I mention that Raging Wind? And valiantly tries to light the son-of-a-b….

He tries and tries. He finds more matches and strikes more matches. He’s getting red in the neck.

Mom has a question for him. She leans even farther over his shoulder and says to me, “Is this the same man that tried to light my pilot light on the stove last year and got blown clear across the kitchen?”

Eeeegh gads! 

“Mother,” I say, “this is not the time…”

Rat Man sounds like he is whimpering.

“Are you the same man,” my mother persists, “that had the gas explode while he was lighting the stove pilot and it blew him across the kitchen and the lady that was with him started screaming and screaming so loud that I could hear her in my bedroom and I’m profoundly deaf, you know.”

I’m dyin.’ I’m laughing so hard I fall to my knees.

Rat Man jumps straight up and steps on me. “I got it lit!” he says. 

Thank you God.

The question is:

Why do I often wobble home from my Mother’s??

 The answer:

Sometimes it’s the wine we drink or the peanut candy we eat and sometimes it’s the things that happen over there.

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GOOD NEWS! My brother, Arthur, is in complete remission from acute leukemia. He will be on chemo pills for two more years. But, no more talk of bone marrow transplants and stem cells and all of that. We are all elated. Thank you for all your prayers and good wishes. X Venus

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*TELE-CLASS FOR MONEY, PROSPERITY AND ABUNDANCE with Venus and Summer McStravick. MARCH 7, 2009   See www.flowdreaming.com for class information and sign up info.

**IN PERSON!!!   A SPECIAL LIVE IN PERSON “RETREAT WEEKEND” WITH VENUS ANDRECHT AND SUMMER MCSTRAVICK.  Sept. 18-20th 2009 at Asilomar, a California State Park on the coastline in Montery County, California.  This was the setting for Dr. Wayne Dyer’s movie, ‘Ambition To Meaning.’  *EARLY BIRD SPECIAL PRICING IF YOU SIGN BY MARCH 7th, 2009.*

See www.flowdreaming.com for the details and sign up. Look for ‘Flowdreaming Retreat Weekend.’

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2 WINNERS OF A FREE 15 MINUTE PHONE SESSION WITH VENUS:  *Toni-Lynn Beal and *Vaso Williams. Offer valid through Feb 27th, 2009. After that, null and void

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