Posts Tagged ‘ pee ’

Chicken Lady & Underwear Man

Wednesday, April 10th, 2013

 

Not Chickens But Close Enough?

“Stop, Baba! Stop! I’m scared! Turn around!”

My grandkids are screaming with terror in the back seat of my car.

Too late to stop. We are climbing straight up the side of a mountain that is mainly enormous shiny boulders. Chicken Lady lives here and we have come to meet her chickens.

Eeeh gads. Even I am nervous. I haven’t expected this.

We reach a small plateau surrounded by more Straight Up. I park the car. This is the place. We all get out and we are leaning forwards so we can stay upright.

There is an old house up the grade aways and behind and beside us and in front of us are long, slung together chicken sheds.

Around us, beside us and in front of us run big goats and baby goats, loose chickens and cats.

An old woman dressed in overalls slides down the mountain towards us.

It’s Chicken Lady!

Loch who is 6, is looking at the ground around his feet which is littered with  small, moist brown balls. The balls are arranged in artistic scattered piles and lines, as far as we can see.

Loch says to Chicken Lady, “What is that stuff?”

Chicken Lady puts down a bucket and  says, “It’s goat poop.”

Loch winces, cries out and tries to dance around and away from it.

Chicken Lady looks at me and says, “Where is he from?”

I say he lives at the Coast and they don’t have goat manure there.

We tilt our heads back and look up. More goats are climbing the rocks and the mountain. I am trying to keep my balance by flailing my arms and moving my feet.

Chicken Lady suggests we meet the chickens. We turn and slide down the hill and kind of roll into one of the vast sheds. The sunlit sheds contain all kinds of chickens that are roaming at will. There’s also a lot of goats in here.

The kids are impressed.

A big, gold goat comes trotting up to Loch, stops and stands in front of him and pees a massive pee.

Loch points and yells, “What’s that!?”

Chicken Lady looks surprised and disgusted at his question.

“It’s a goat peeing,” she says.

Loch screams and backs away, going into a ragged wail of fake crying.

“What’s the matter with you?” Chicken Lady says.

She stares at him and says, “Everything poops and everything pees. Get used to it.”

This is our day at the chicken ‘ranch.’

As we climb into the car to leave, Chicken Lady sidles up to me and asks if I think the kid will ever be normal. I say that I hope so. That I am trying to teach Loch about Real Life Beyond The Cosmopolitan Coast.

We say ‘Good-bye’ and ‘thanks,’ to Chicken Lady. Then we slam our car doors, kick the red car into gear and slide it down the mountain, leaving (I’m sorry to say) Chicken Lady in a great whirl of dust and tiny stones. The kids yell, “Go faster Baba! Go faster!” (more…)

A Lucky Day In The Mountains

Wednesday, October 17th, 2012

This Is My Friend, Susan

When Susan tells her husband that she and I are going off for a day in the mountains, he tells her to pack her pistol.

I don’t think she will need one, do you?

We’re both artists and this is going to be an Art Day.

We ‘re chugging up into the mountains. We’ve left early because we’re going on the local Mountain Art Guild’s Studio Tour. Our plan is to stop in a little town and pick up a map and tickets. Then we will commence  on our own on a winding drive, stopping at various art studios.

I’m telling Susan I have a feeling we should let this day swing as it will; that I think our patience and plan may be tested.

It is.

We stop at a bead shop where we’ve been told we’ll find the map and tickets. There are no maps and no tickets here. There are 3 enormous dogs and a board outside depicting the cast of The Wizard Of Oz.

We’re told if we will wait awhile, maybe they can find the map we need.

We walk into a red barn that’s adjacent and filled with crafts and tables of apples and jelly. The place has a coffee bar. We each get coffee and sit outside on a sunny porch in little rocking chairs. We gaze at the pines and blue jays. We are charmed.

We meet 4 more dogs.

We wait and we wait.

We pee in a shiny, breezy bathroom.

We think maybe we should forget the self tour and just stay here and visit the wine bar.

But, reason holds. Maps are produced. Never mind that the map is not to scale and particularly worthless.

We’re having an Adventure.

We both pee before we leave.

As we’re finally leaving the barn, a woman with yet another dog trots up to us.

“Oh! You must visit my shop!” she burbles. “This is my pug dog, Pierre. He’s 8 months old and I have just opened my store, I have never had a shop before and I am 68 years old!”

She looks it. (more…)

My Enema Adventure

Wednesday, September 19th, 2012

“If I Were A Dragon Fly..I Would Bite These People..And Go Home!”

Will this New Adventure be as messy as my Enema Adventure or The Emergency Hospital Adventure In Palm Springs?

As you’re reading this, I am having another Adventure. This time I’m in Napa with grammar school friends, (hopefully) enjoying a Wine Drinking Vacation.

After last year’s incident my 6 women friends strictly warned me that I must promise I would do nothing odd or eccentric, ever again, 2 months before our yearly trip together. They know how I am.

Too bad they missed out on my Enema Vacation.  (more…)


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