Posts Tagged ‘ Phobias ’

Welcome To Phobia Land

Wednesday, August 22nd, 2012


Phobia Flowers That Live In Phobia Land

I live in Phobia Land.

My family is riddled with phobias.

Right now my 6 year old grandson Loch has what his mother calls The Morbid Blood Phobia and he also changes his under pants and his long pants 4-5 times a day. If he gets even a tiny bit of pee on them he becomes frantically unsettled (hysterical) and has to remove his clothes and start over.

Today was Loch’s first day in the first grade. His mother tells me he had a Big Melt Down and Stubborn Fit before she finally got him there.

God knows what will happen when he gets a little pee on his pants at school. At home he whips off his under and top pants and runs around naked until we insist he put some pants on. This will be more then interesting if he shakes off all his pants at school.

Looking into the future, I hear a phone call from the principal. (more…)

The Woman Who Sounds Like A Tuba

Sunday, June 17th, 2012


My Home For A Night

They Were Laughing When They Saw Me. They Knew What Was Ahead For Me.

My gut feels odd. Just a little ping here and there, but it gives me pause. Oh well, best not to think about it.

My childhood friend Chips and I are in her car. We are leaving for Palm Springs for our annual vacation with five of our other childhood friends. We all gather some place once a year.

Day One: I have the pings. Then after I eat a meal, I feel strangely too full.

Day Two: I don’t eat. I have gripping pains in my gut and snorting, stinking roiling gas. I sound like a tuba.

“Don’t worry,” I tell my concerned friends, “I just ate too much raw food for a few days before I left home and raw blended stuff. It’s good for you, you know…but, I think maybe not for me.”

Day Three: I think I may die. I’m nauseous. I can hardly stand up.

When my eyes start rolling around in a restaurant, the girls insist I go to Emergency.

I have a phobia about doctors and diseases. I tell my friends I would rather die than go to Emergency at the hospital.

My friends think I may be close to death. They’re alarmed, and cart me off to the hospital. (more…)

The Big Rock Phobia Mountain

Tuesday, June 12th, 2012

Big Rock Phobia Mountain

“So there I was,” says Joan, “way up in the sky, flat on my stomach, hugging the boulder and screaming ‘NO!'”

We are having tea at my house. Joan is my friend and also the most successful Realtor in town.

We’re discussing phobias, and she says she can beat mine.

Which I doubt.

But, when you deal with lots of raw land like Joan does here in my town, you get some big adventures.

I pour some more hot tea into our cups.

“OK,” Joan says, “it was a beautiful day and I had to take an engineer out to walk a big ranch. He had to measure things. It was going to take a lot of climbing and walking and I was prepared. I do this all the time.

“We drove out there in the man’s jeep, hopped out and started walking. It’s a big ranch with lots of boulders, snakes, and oak trees.

“Off in the distance we see a tall…very tall…long hill covered with boulders. The engineer man says, ‘We need to go up to the top there. I need to measure and stick a flag up.’

“He says, ‘Are you up for this?’ and I say, ‘Hell, yes. I do this all the time.’

“So Venus,” Joan says, “we started climbing that big thing, winding our way along side the huge rocks, the poison oak, the rabbits…well, you know how it is, you used to sell real estate here in town.”

“More tea?” I ask.

Joan declines.

“So, we get to the top of that mountain. Let’s call it a mountain because hell, it was one.  The man grabs a chunk of the biggest boulder there and shimmies up it like it’s greased. He stands up on the top of that thing and  shouts, ‘Come on up here, I need you to hold some equipment for me.'”

“No problem,” I say.

“I clamber up that enormous boulder and reach the top. I stand up straight and then I remember something important. (more…)

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