Posts Tagged ‘ poop ’

Chicken Lady & Underwear Man

Wednesday, April 10th, 2013

 

Not Chickens But Close Enough?

“Stop, Baba! Stop! I’m scared! Turn around!”

My grandkids are screaming with terror in the back seat of my car.

Too late to stop. We are climbing straight up the side of a mountain that is mainly enormous shiny boulders. Chicken Lady lives here and we have come to meet her chickens.

Eeeh gads. Even I am nervous. I haven’t expected this.

We reach a small plateau surrounded by more Straight Up. I park the car. This is the place. We all get out and we are leaning forwards so we can stay upright.

There is an old house up the grade aways and behind and beside us and in front of us are long, slung together chicken sheds.

Around us, beside us and in front of us run big goats and baby goats, loose chickens and cats.

An old woman dressed in overalls slides down the mountain towards us.

It’s Chicken Lady!

Loch who is 6, is looking at the ground around his feet which is littered with  small, moist brown balls. The balls are arranged in artistic scattered piles and lines, as far as we can see.

Loch says to Chicken Lady, “What is that stuff?”

Chicken Lady puts down a bucket and  says, “It’s goat poop.”

Loch winces, cries out and tries to dance around and away from it.

Chicken Lady looks at me and says, “Where is he from?”

I say he lives at the Coast and they don’t have goat manure there.

We tilt our heads back and look up. More goats are climbing the rocks and the mountain. I am trying to keep my balance by flailing my arms and moving my feet.

Chicken Lady suggests we meet the chickens. We turn and slide down the hill and kind of roll into one of the vast sheds. The sunlit sheds contain all kinds of chickens that are roaming at will. There’s also a lot of goats in here.

The kids are impressed.

A big, gold goat comes trotting up to Loch, stops and stands in front of him and pees a massive pee.

Loch points and yells, “What’s that!?”

Chicken Lady looks surprised and disgusted at his question.

“It’s a goat peeing,” she says.

Loch screams and backs away, going into a ragged wail of fake crying.

“What’s the matter with you?” Chicken Lady says.

She stares at him and says, “Everything poops and everything pees. Get used to it.”

This is our day at the chicken ‘ranch.’

As we climb into the car to leave, Chicken Lady sidles up to me and asks if I think the kid will ever be normal. I say that I hope so. That I am trying to teach Loch about Real Life Beyond The Cosmopolitan Coast.

We say ‘Good-bye’ and ‘thanks,’ to Chicken Lady. Then we slam our car doors, kick the red car into gear and slide it down the mountain, leaving (I’m sorry to say) Chicken Lady in a great whirl of dust and tiny stones. The kids yell, “Go faster Baba! Go faster!” (more…)

A DISGUSTING CONVERSATION

Sunday, May 9th, 2010

My brother has just finished telling us about the massive gray polyps in his colon, found with a colonoscopy, polyps that, according to Jim “Had their big heads waving around in there on long skinny stalks.”

My sister Candy, my brother Jim and I are sitting in a booth with our 87 year old mother in a Denny’s Restaurant. We’re having breakfast; a Senior Special, one waffle, eggs and bacon and something that sounds like “Eggs Over Hominy.”

We’ve been ‘enjoying’ Jim’s graphic description of what he had to do to clean his bowel the night before the procedure. I’ll save you from all of it except to say that Jim had to buy his laxative supplies at the drug store and he swears that one of them was called “Move-A-Quick,” or something like that,” and he swears it lived up to it’s name.

My mother, my sister and I start clattering our silverware on the table and making little squeeking noises so Jim abruptly changes course.

“So,” he says, “my daughter told me yesterday that all her friends at school think I’m gay.” (more…)

The Poop Pump

Friday, April 3rd, 2009

Lexi stands in front of my ex boyfriend Bill and me. Her long dark blond braids are looped over her shoulders and onto the front of the pink T-shirt that is soft on the inside. She’s wearing the soft long pants that don’t itch her legs. She is staying with me for two weeks. She is my granddaughter, she is six years old, is in kindergarten and she knows everything.

Every since she was a baby, Lexi has known everything. She reminds us of her vast knowledge with irritating regularity.

We decide to put her to the test.

“What happens to food when you eat it?” we ask.

Lexi takes a big breath and begins. She demonstrates her answer with her hands.

“The food goes down into your bladder. The pee comes out the slit and goes one way. The food goes out another slit and heads toward your butt. There is a poop pump in your lower back that starts pumping and pumps the poop out your butt hole.”

She is totally serious. She tells us she learned this in science class.

When I call her father later and tell him about the Poop Pump and that Lexi learned this in science class he says, “I told Summer we should have put her in private school!”

Bill and I ask Lexi if she is willing to answer more of our questions. Indeed she is. She knows everything and is willing to teach us.

“What makes ear wax, Lexi?”

Lexi thinks for a moment as she trolls the information up from the depths of her great knowledge.

“OK,” she begins earnestly, “Some nose boogers go up your nose instead of down your nose. They go up to the top of your head and than down into your ears where they mix with fluid. That’s ear wax!”

We’re enthralled.

“Next question?” she says.

Bill pulls thoughtfully on his ear lobe and says, “How big is the moon?”

Lexi has the right answer, right away. “The moon is almost as big as the earth and the sun is two feet bigger.”

“Most interesting and astonishing,” I say.

“And,” Lexi says, ” black ants turn into red ants when they eat too much.”

The evening goes like this until Bill and I get tired of Lexi’s great wisdom.  I tell her it’s time for her to go to bed.

She sleeps with me, and as I am pulling up the covers and tucking us in, Lexi brings me up to date on my aging process.

“You’re a little bit old, BaBa. But only a little bit old. You have freckles.”

Oh my gosh, I’m so relieved. Last time she told me the flesh on my arms was swinging.

I can deal with freckles.

She then checks to see if I am wearing underpants under my nightgown as she doesn’t like bare bottoms in bed with her!

I pass the test.

Then The Little Genius kicks me all night.

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VENUS ON XM SATELLITE RADIO MONDAY NIGHT April 6th

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It’s a political show! I don’t know what I am doing there but it should be fun. The woman who has the show wants to promote me at the new radio station I will be working from. Isn’t that cool?

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April 26th, 2009. See www.flowdreaming.com for testimonials about the class and to sign up for the class with Summer and Venus

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