Posts Tagged ‘ underpants ’

The Underpants

Wednesday, August 28th, 2013

We’ll Talk About This Photo In A Minute…But First, The UnderPants.

A woman friend comes to my house for tea and company.

She bakes and brings fresh scones with strawberry jam and clobbered cream. The scones are flat when they should be fluffy. They look like flat, pale cookies.

My friend complains her scones are a failure, but in fact they are delicious. In my mind I call them ‘Sccookies’. The word Scone with Cookies. Very cleaver of me.

Maybe we can bake and build a Twinkies kind of mega-corporation off my friend’s Sccookies? Maybe we can become rich and pudgy off our own brilliance?

No, we are not drinking.

My friend wants to swim in my pool in her underpants and tee shirt.

“Good idea,” I say, about the swimming in panties.

I want to swim, too so I run in the house, put on a hot pink sports bra and pull on a pair of neon green nylon shorts. Pulling those shorts up and on is hard work. I have gained weight since last summer.

Finally, the shorts are up, but eeeh gads, they are inside out! They look even worse than they might if they were on proper.

However, they are too much trouble to peel down and re-do as they are so tight I will never get them off. I will have to wear them inside out.

I usually swim naked. I know you know that.

I am always getting into unexpected trouble while naked in the pool. There was that time I heard my old, deaf pool man coming through my iron gate and I banged out of the water so fast that I had to go and see a chiropractor for a twisted back.  (more…)

Whoops! Another Good Doctor!

Wednesday, February 20th, 2013

Sometimes It Would Have Been Better To Have Stayed Home For The Day

A phone call comes from a friend of mine and she is screaming with laughter. She has just read my blog from last week, recounting the mighty gas display by my Good Doctor.

‘Sylvia’ feels compelled to tell me about her husband Dr.’Pete’, the chiropractor, and his  profound  experience.

He likes to dress casually when he works, she says. A sport shirt and a nice pair of pants will do the job.

One day he is busy adjusting a 400 lb lady. He bends over her as the big woman lies face down on the adjusting table. Because of her size, he has to labor to put his full weight into the adjusting maneuver. The mighty stress of the effort suddenly and most unexpectedly, rips his pants wide open from his back waistband right down through his butt cheeks to the crotch of his pants.

“Not to worry,” Dr. Pete later tells his wife, “my  patient didn’t hear the ripping tear  because at the same moment she was ripping herself, as she let out a gigantic fart!”

“But, feeling a need to work more freely, Pete had decided not to wear any underpants that day,” Sylvia tells me. “And as he said, ‘Because of that small lapse, while working with patients and nurses I had to keep my back to the walls of the clinic for the rest of the day. One of the hardest parts was that patients often bring family members into the treatment room and they sit wherever they please! What a day!”

The moral may be that, while it is not easy being a patient, we should all have some patience and understanding, as it is not always easy being a doctor.

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Bill Scares Snake In His Underpants

Wednesday, August 1st, 2012

“Why are you out here in your underpants?” Karl wants to know

Here’s Bill in his baggy white underpants, barefoot with a dead tree branch in his hand. It’s dark. It’s late. He and I are outside hunting for a snake. I have a flashlight the size of a pencil in my hand.

I’d gone looking for my big, red maine coon cat in his large, covered cat yard. Karl hadn’t made his usual squeaking noises when I opened his wire door and called for him to come with me into the house.

All I have is that tiny flashlight in the late dark and I can’t find Karl. I thrash through the tall zinnias and point the light into the spiky, yellow wild primroses. Nope. Not here. I trip a bit and grab the side of the wire yard just in time. Then I look under Karl’s favorite bush. Nope.

“Here Kitty, Kitty Karl…here Kitty!”

Ahhh, here he is crouched next to the wire, staring intently at something. I’m saying, “…Hey, Karl…what’s up?”

Well, what’s up is a snake! Curled up! On the other side of the wire.

Oh boy. I look but I can’t see if it’s a small rattler or a friendly snake.

…And, I’m worried because every night Karl insists he has to spend all night out here.

A few days ago, I saw coyote tracks in the soft dirt beside the yard. And, now a snake. The yard is covered on top with chicken wire but with enough patience something could dig under the yard wire. Or slide through the wire holes.

I have to get Bill. He’s in his studio and probably asleep, but this is serious. (more…)


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