Here’s why I need a plumber.
Bill’s car died and has to be hauled off to a Car Cemetery.
Bill tripped over his feet and fell flat with a thud on the patio. I thought the thud was his head, but it turns out it’s his elbow which is black and blue. He smarts in many places but the good thing is his back was hurting for 3 months and now that pain is gone. We think the fall gave him an adjustment.
The drain in Bill’s kitchen sink is plugged up clear to the back wall and we need a plumber.
So. Now I am Bill’s chauffeur and he has to wash his many dishes in my sink, in my house. However, the body wreckage he’s suffered doesn’t affect me thank goodness, as I have my own.
Our first order is to find a plumber. The car burial can come later.
The plumber I always use is not returning my calls. I believe he has run off. My guts say his wife left him. I am sorry about that, but I can’t fix him and obviously, he’s not emotionally able to drain Bill’s sink and clear the pipes. He may be drunk some where, I don’t know.
Bill gets out the town’s yellow pages and begins the hunt for a good plumber.
As I am his landlordess, I give him instructions.
“Get the Senior Rate. Get a plumber who doesn’t charge to come out and look. Ask me before you choose one as I have lived in this town a long time and know a lot of people.”
Bill doesn’t want my instruction. He curls his lips and gets to work. From the other side of the door I hear him drop the yellow pages and turn to his computer. He’s making calls in his Studio. These darn walls are way too thin.
My brother Jim comes over to nap on my living room couch. (Oh come on now, I haven’t time to explain that one. I’m trying to tell you about looking for a plumber.)
Bill raps on the door between his studio and my house. He comes into my Great Room and says, “Hi Jim. OK. This guy I called will do the drain for $80 and he’s asking questions about the leak in your tub faucet and what else you want done.”
“Who is he?” I ask.
“What does it matter who he is?!”
“I may know him,” I say.
Bill turns and goes into his place and I follow.
“It’s Dan Donovan Plumbing, if you must know,” he says.
“Not him!” I yell.
“I can’t remember why. I just know I have a down feeling about it, some memory in the past.”
Then, I notice he’s on the phone.
“Ah..I’ll call you back,” he says and hangs up.
Darn. Why didn’t he tell me he was talking to the man?
“You can always do this yourself you know!” Bill snarls.
He gets all irritated and comes back into my house with the phone book.
Jim shouts from the couch, “Who? Dan Donovan!? He ripped me off! He charged me an extra hundred dollars and then left shit everywhere in my place! ”
“Oh,” Bill says as he turns around and goes back into his studio.
“Thank you, Jim,” I say.
Now, we hear Bill on the phone ,again. Then, it’s quiet. Bill comes into my place and says, “OK, AAA Plumbing will come out and do the drain for $85.”
“Who is AAA Plumbing?” I ask.
“They’re AAA Plumbing! I just said so, why do you care?”
“I’m paying for this, I deserve to know who will be doing the work.”
Jim has been laying on the couch. He jumps to attention.
“AAA Plumbing!? That’s the Hensley Brother’s! You don’t want the Hensley Brothers!”
Bill turns and goes into his studio.
“Oh my god,” I’m screaming, “Not the Hensley Brothers! They are the stupidest men in town!”
Bill is on the phone with the Hensley Brothers!
I’m sorry the brothers had to hear that they are the stupidest men in town.
Bill is now flipping madly through the yellow pages.
He’s been looking up plumbers online. He’s now looking in the town’s yellow pages to find AAA Plumbing and cross reference. Sure enough. There it is. It’s the same phone number. But, a different name online.
The two page spread in our yellow pages says, “Hensley Bros Plumbing, You’re Safe With Us!’
“Don’t you remember them?” I ask. “They came out to replace my garbage disposal and they couldn’t figure out how to do it. I had to tell them what to do and I don’t know how to replace those things! They both had their heads and torsos under my kitchen sink for half and hour and they had ripped out all my cleaning stuff and thrown it around the kitchen!”
“Oh yeah…” Bill says. “They said they had to go out and get a part and you never saw them, again. And, they never billed you, even for something else they had done. I remember that.”
“That’s right!” My brother says. “They’re so dumb they leave their bills on rocks and steps and under their truck and they forget all about them. They do!”
Bill is starting to feel a bit less competent. I can tell. But, he again disappears into his room, back to the hunt.
I tap on and open his door. He turns from his desk and looks at me.
He’s not glad to see me.
“One more thing” I say. “Don’t call any plumber who is pictured with his family in the yellow page ads. Before you moved in here, I had two separate plumbers out to help me. They both had family photos in their ads and they both tried to seduce me. One had me hold the door under the sink open while he was under there and then he grabbed my leg and pinched me!”
I turn around and close Bill’s door.
I think Bill is going to give up, now.
You know, I think his stars have been hanging wrong the last few days:
Dead car, bad fall, stopped drain and now stupid plumbers with bad morals.
If I didn’t want my freedom from driving him around and having him wash all his many dishes in my sink, I think I would tell him to relax and let the stars move on before he makes any kind of a move.
But, dang…sometimes those stars take their time.
I’ll just keep letting him search for the right plumber.
I tell Jim I want him to nap on the couch as long as he can. He knows all about the town’s plumbers and will support me with my advice to Bill.
Ummm. “Jim! Do you want to stay for dinner?”
“THE DEAR VENUS SHOW: All Show Times and Ways to Listen
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