The “Wuffling” Habit

My woman friend looks at me and says, “I know a famous female doctor and she says, that for our health, women should wuffle two times a day.”

“Wuffle?” I say. I am plainly puzzled.

My friend purses her lips real hard and jerks her head toward her five year old child.

“You mean,” I say, “you mean we should…play with ourselves?”

My friend says “Shhusssuh!” really loud and looks pointedly at her five year old daughter who is looking at us.

All is quiet from my friend so I assume I must be right.

“Twice a day?” I squeak. “Twice a day? Why?”

“For good health,” my friend explains. “It balances the hormones and keeps you young.”

I have a lot of questions, but that is all my friend will say on this topic.

I think about this ‘wuffling’ thing all day.

When I get home I call my friend Karen. She is working on her taxes and book keeping. Maybe not the best time to get her opinion about this delicate subject but I ask it anyway.

“Karen, there is this lady doctor who thinks we should wuffle ourselves twice a day…you know what I mean?”

There is a deep silence.

Then, Karen laughs. She sounds like she has just stuck a pencil up her nose. She finally admits that that does seem like a lot of wuffling.

I say, “I’m very interested in anything that will make me healthier and it’s odd but I was just reading a book written by a man who went into the jungle and stayed awhile with an old medicine man. The old man said there are many kinds of love and said how good it was that his old wife had a young lover. That having a young lover kept his old wife young and healthy and supple.”

I have more questions but Karen has her mind on taxes, and does not have time to discuss our good health.

A few hours later I am still thinking about this wuffling thing.

I call my eighty-six year old mother. She is the one with three boyfriends, give or take. I want her opinion.

My mother is very sick. She tells me she got a flu shot and she thought for awhile that it was gonna’ kill her.
“Last night, I was so restless I couldn’t sleep. Then, I rolled off the bed. Kerplunk. On my back. And, I couldn’t get up. I slipped over onto my stomach and finally got on my knees and eventually hauled myself back onto the bed.”

“EEhhh gads!” I shout. “Do you need me to come over?”

Mom tells me she has already had enough company today, and that she thinks she will live.

This is probably not the time to ask my mother about her wuffling habits.

So, here I am, left alone to think on this one.

God knows, I will do just about anything to be healthy. It’s one of my obsessions.
But, I already have so many healthy habits, where would I fit this one in?

When I get up in the morning, I take my *anti-aging pills, my protein pills, make and drink coffee from freshly ground coffee beans, eat a healthy breakfast, take more vitamins and herbs, take a thirty minute walk, come home, strip, grease my body with sesame or coconut oil then sit naked in the sun for twenty minutes. Then, I have to let the oil soak in even longer.

Eventually, I have to take a shower to remove all that oil and this often means I must wash my hair, too and then I have to dry it and fix it. And, I have various face things I need to do to stave off damage and I like to do some meditation and talk to my friends, The Beings. I have to take the dog out for a pee run and feed him and all the cats. Then, I really need to get to work.

How in the world would I fit in wuffling twice a day, even if it does guarantee youth, suppleness and astonishingly good health?

I believe I will go to bed now and think about this, but, frankly, I think that maybe the good old fashioned way…sex with a partner…might be easier and more pleasant. But, then of course, you have to find the perfect partner; someone without too many bad habits who is agreeable and good natured about helping you (twice a day) to live to a supple and healthy old age.

Dang. There is always some glitch in life, isn’t there??
*Anti-aging pills (And Home Page click on Health and Beauty)
*WINNER OF A 15 MINUTE PHONE SESSION WITH VENUS: Ruby Johnson. Offer good through Nov. 14, 2008. After that null and void

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