With rest and good nutrition my ‘bad’ ankle is feeling better. Today, I am finally feeling that I can take a walk down the road to look at the black walnut trees that line it. The nuts are ripe and the big, scruffy crows are wondering why I haven’t been down for awhile to gather and toss the walnuts into the street. The crows wait for the cars to come by and squash the shells, leaving mashed nuts for them to eat.
A few minutes ago, as I started my happy walk, before I have landed on the pavement, here’s a tiny pebble on the asphalt road but I don’t see it. The sole of my right shoe hits it, my foot rolls over, I hear a snap and I hit the pavement hard, bam! I’m on my left side flat out. This has all taken a second, if that. My jeans are ripped, my elbow hurts and is bleeding along with my palm, knee and left ankle. But my right ankle is screaming with pain.
“Oh noooo,” I’m wailing. “That was my good ankle! Why my good ankle? Why, why, why?”
I lie in the street and sob.
I try and roll over. It hurts too much.
There are some tiny rocks up my nose and others stick to my cheek. I am in shock. I am in shock because of the sudden hard fall and because this is my only good ankle. The left was severely broken years ago and that entire foot is in a sense, ruined. There is bone on bone with severe degenerative arthritis and I have not been able to take my daily walks for almost a year.
Now, I may have broken my good ankle. Why? Why do these things happen?
No cars come by which is a blessing. What would someone do for me? Rush on by or stop and bodily roll me out of the road?
I am on my own.
Trembling and still crying because I want to cry, I roll myself over and onto my knees. Eventually I am shakily up on all fours and then I am standing. Swaying but standing. As I limp and drag and inch myself up the lane that is thankfully close to home, I keep whining and begging the Universe, “But Whhhhhy? But, whhhy? I was doing so well! I was so happy! I was just going to take a tiny walk!”
“And this,” I think, “is only a day after a severe bout of food poisoning. It’s just too much.”
Later, I speak with a friend on the phone while she works to convince me that my foot issues are from my bad karma in another life. I try to be polite but I gag on that one. The Beings have told me that we are all God having experiences and that there is no bad or good karma…everything just IS.
But why would I as God want to have this ongoing and supposedly stupid experience with the feet?
All day I flay myself with ‘Why, why, why” why do difficult and ridiculous and physically and emotionally painful things happen to people, especially (I think) when in my case I have been working so hard to get myself moving, again.
I come up with no logical answers.
By dusk I am exhausted from asking.
Later, with ice on my ankle, sitting under the lamp light in my red leather chair, I think back to my life with ‘men.’ I remember how when I was suffering with a boyfriend I would try over and over to figure out and understand what was wrong that was causing my pain. ‘Was he unfaithful? Did he still love me? Was something going on that I didn’t know about?’
Finally, after years of this exhaustive questioning and miserable romances I realized it did not matter what it was that was happening that I didn’t know about, or understand. It was enough to know that something wasn’t right. If it felt wrong it was… and if it couldn’t be fixed quickly, I was gone.
Now, at the end of the Why, Why Why Day I realize the question and the answer doesn’t just pertain to romances. I finally know there doesn’t have to be an answer to everything. Or anything. Things just ‘are.’ Life just ‘is.’ Things can just be things that happen.
Sudden, shocking, unexpected, heartbreaking and painful events can happen at any time to any of us.
But, I realize now, with a giddy start, if this kind of ‘dreadful’ thing can happen so suddenly, then, of course…. it is just as possible to have a sudden, shocking, unexpected and ‘wonderful’ event occur in my and our lives!
How cool is that?
Later, a friend sends me this note:
“My boss came in today and she was wearing a beautiful engagement ring. She’s never been married and is almost fifty.
“She hasn’t had a boyfriend for over 10 years and she thought she would never marry. Out of the blue a guy appears at work and starts courting her.
“He’s a real man, nice steady and kind. He treats her with such respect. He came from out of nowhere. He proposed this weekend. “
“So,” my friend adds, ”you never know.”
Later in bed, exhausted, I notice that my ankle while hurting, appears not to be broken.
But now, I think, no matter the ankle outcome, I am still looking forward to my unexpected and sudden good fortune, whatever it may be!
I wonder too, what will your good fortune be? You too, deserve a sudden, shocking Good Something. You’ve earned it. You’ve paid your dues like we all have. It’s now your turn for a Good One!
Why? Just because you’re due.